I Was Running (in Forrest Gump voice)!

I'm not what you'd really call an "active person". I don't "regularly exercise". I don't raise my heartbeat past its resting rate unless Mike comes home in his uniform. I am, I'll say it, fat and lazy. But not anymore.

It's crazy how many consequences we, as humans, need to see before we begin to think, "huh, maybe I should do something about that". For example the surgeon who spends his days removing lung cancer takes his breaks to smoke like a chimney, or the alcoholic who watches Intervention episodes and says, "Man, those guys are idiots!" Neither sees a correlation to the problem in their own lives, only in others.

Well, this is how I've been about my weight. I've been watching Biggest Loser for probably 6 seasons, cheered them on with success as each overweight person slimmed down on live TV and gave their families the greatest thing they've ever had in their lives...themselves.

I try things all the time to loose weight and quit weeks and most often days later because that's just what I do. But I have to keep going. I have to keep trying. I can't let the weight issue win with me because, well, I just won't let it, and because I owe my family more. I owe mySELF more.

One angle I haven't really tried much is exercise because I've NEVER found something I like. I always hear that...to find something you like, but that would have to involve other people and food in order to keep me interested. I can find a friend to exercise with sometimes, but I hear eating while exercising is frowned upon.

Well, I think I just may have found something I like. At least for almost 4 weeks I've liked it. And that's why I'm blogging about it. Because I want people to know I've started and to ask me about it (and therefore keep me accountable) and also because it makes for a good story, to read about a fat girl who runs.

The other day I experienced, for the first time in my LIFE, going beyond my goal and I was so proud of my accomplishment that I immediately wrote the following e-mail to my girlfriends Lindsay and Laura, who also are fairly new to running. Here is that e-mail:

So, there I was, me, my cut-off sweats and my mini-van headed for the gym. I'm not one for goals, or really pushing myself, but have been proud to make it there twice to three times a week to run 60 to 90 second intervals every 2-3 minutes. But I was ready to push. I'm done being the fat girl that doesn't try. So I said to myself, "Self, why don't you just run that first interval and try to keep going past that first 90 seconds and see what happens. In fact, why don't you try to go FOUR minutes without stopping?" I knew I probably wouldn't make it, but I thought it sounded fun.
I sucked in my stomach and handed the hot guy at the desk my keys. I gave him the "It's me, Darbi the Runner" nod." Last time I was in there and dropped of my kids at the child care center they said, "Hi! Are you guys new?" Shut up. We've been going here two years...every three months. But now I'm Darbi the Runner. Everyone will know it.
So I found the treadmill of my choice, plugged in my earphones, turned on Days of our Lives, warmed up and started to run. And guess what? I ran for 10 MINUTES, yes I did!! 10 MINUTES!!! And I think I probably could have gone farther but I was starting to cry and wanted to hurry and get home and tell Mike. =-) When I DID get home to tell him, I started to cry again. He said, "What?!" and I just stood there. I told him the news. He said, "Goll, by the look on your face I thought you filled our van with Haiti orphans or something." =-) Nope, just that run. It was amazing. I've never done that in my LIFE. Not even in PE because my mom always wrote me a note. Yep, I was that girl.
So, I'm headed toward the 5 K in March and I can't wait. It'll be hard but awesome and I just can't wait. Maybe I'll even pass some people!

Back to the blog: I know I can't have this high forever, and the percentages of success are against me as far as weight loss go, but if I'm going to die early I want to make sure it isn't from something I've done to my body. That just doesn't seem right. I want to have as much time with my grandkids as is humanly possible. I want to give my kids and my Mike the most and the best of me that their can be. Those are just some of the reasons I'm going to run.

I'm off to the gym right now. I hope it's as fun as it was last time, but I know it won't be every time. I'm just glad I wrote this down so that down the road if I'm not "into it" or have a bad day, I can remember I'm Darbi the Runner and sometimes I just plain kick bottom.

When's a good time to have a baby?

I've heard people say they're waiting to have a baby because of certain reasons...they want to finish school first, wait until their loan is paid off, get a better job, have their other kids grow a bit, buy a bigger house, save up for a van, and I admire those people. I really do. Especially when they can actually stick to those plans. To me, that's what the 9 months of growing a baby is for...the planning. Any more time than that to plan anything would be excessive. I'm very impatient, especially when it comes to the matters of tiny people (one of my favorite things).

But what happens next is you might be in the right position financially, physically and emotionally and decide to start trying to have a baby and there's a whole new list of things that can blow your plans off track. For example a womb that once worked after the first try can just decide it doesn't want to work anymore, an adoption that is supposed to take around 6 months can take years, or congratulations, triplets! I guess I'm just realizing that the more and more I try to plan my family, the less control I realize I actually have over any part of it...and I'm finally okay with that.

Today was our home study which really should have been called a you study. I have been asked far less at a job interview, and yet I wish all people would have to go through such an interview before being denied or allowed to conceive. The case worker wanted to know how old my parents were when they met. (I don't know, old?) Where is the location of our tree frog we had listed in the paper work a year ago? (6 feet under.) What kind of grades did I get in middle school? (Were there grades? I thought there were just boys.) The questions continued for 2 1/2 hrs. But then they got good:

"Mike, what attracted you to Darbi?" We smiled, paused and looked at each other. This was not one we had practiced ahead of time. I didn't know what he was going to say.

"Other girls made me feel like I had to be different. But not her. She just liked me for who I was from the beginning. I didn't have to try to be somebody else. I was just me. And she liked me. " I got all teary but tried to keep it together. Only losers cry during their home studies.

"And what would you say is the hardest thing you have ever been through as a couple?" And out the tears come. I looked at him and gave him a nod and he told her the story of loosing our Hope. He told her how it was by far the hardest thing we'd gone through, but we did in fact get through it because of our faith, our friends and our family that stood by our side and held us up when we couldn't stand on our own.

"And what would you say has been the very best thing you've experienced?" I immediately said, "Blake's birth" just as Mike said, "The rest." I looked at him and just paused in a moment of awe. If we were in a movie right then the camera would have zoomed in on me staring into his cute face for a while while the case worker went on with her questions but some mushy song would be playing in the background. He's a man of few words, so when he says them I just melt.

Looking back at our marriage so far we definitely didn't get the kids we planned or when we wanted them. But a life any different than the one we've lived is so hard to imagine. We've done life together and we've got some qualities of an 80 year old couple because of it. We couldn't bond that way or learn those things if we would have taken the easy path we had "planned" for ourselves.

The case worker left our house this afternoon and will write up a 13-17 page profile of her visit with us today. That will be placed on top of all of our paperwork and sent to the licensor who will hopefully give us a license in about a month. But none of that is in our control. Any number of things can happen in the meantime that can either speed up or slow down the process of getting our baby into our hands. And that's okay.

My life is perfectly imperfect and complete right now with a history of blessings and bruises along the way that shaped me into the Darbi I'm supposed to be, the mom I'm supposed to be of the children I'm supposed to have. There will be a next one, I don't know who or when, but when they enter this home there will be so much love, laughter, care and hope waiting for them that there won't be room for their little cheeks!

So when's a good time to have a baby? Never...and always.