Here's to Sisters....

Have I told you I hate change? Some change is good. Like the new sweatshirt I'm wearing. That's good change. Especially when my husband says, "I like the hemp like coloring of the drawstrings," and I say, "Thanks Napoleon Dynamite," and then we both have to wipe tears from our eyes from laughing so hard. But also there is change that is hard. One hard change I made myself come to grips with tonight.

My mom was an entrepreneur. Always a new idea and always a business of some sort going somewhere. Her ideas cost my dad a lot of money. But he always had her back and let her try. And she kept on trying. They were a great team that way. One of her worst/best ideas was the Shag Scarf that she made on a knitting machine from home. Those kitting machines were about a yard and a half long, had all kinds of metal hooks going every which way and some sort of a flat-iron looking contraption that you slid back and forth along the thing until "wha-lah"! It made a Shag Scarf. Now the scarf itself was...hideous (sorry if any of you readers still wear yours. But it's true.) It was made out of the yarn that has the pokeys coming out of it? You know what I'm talking about right? All of the pokeys everywhere? And then every inch or so more pokeys down the line, throughout the scarf, so once a whole scarf was knitted together it was a whole triangle tied to your neck of pokeys. It looked like your throat got in an accident with a bad Madonna hairdo. But bless her heart...she sold a ton, at least to every lady in our church because that became known as Shag Scarf city. My mom knew how to get people to help her too. I'd come home from school and there'd be some stranger on the couch, with the Madonna throat problem, with the knitting machine on her lap and mom would be on the chair with another one. They'd both be watching Oprah and mom would just turn around and say, "Darbi, you remember Karen..... from Costco?" Of course! I'd grab a quick snack and head directly to my knitting machine. She made everything fun too. Even child labor law abuse. She had so many gifts.

I don't remember what year it was, but mom was finally able to open a store outside of her home. Her and her sisters bought a beautiful house in a great location and opened it as an antiques and home accessories shop. It was called Sisters. There was a garden room where we had sandwiches and espresso and a floral shop and everything. It was WONDERFUL. I had a hot dog cart out front one summer called Darbi's Dawgs (and I have the sign in my garage to prove it!). I ate there with dates before high school dances, I talked to my sister-in-law after her first date with my brother, I had my high school graduation party there, I learned about inventory and how dad gets mad when mom and I buy too much, I learned all about espresso and how to never call it eXpresso, but what I learned the most from my mom was how to love people no matter what you are doing.

People came in there to buy a greeting card and before you knew it, they were telling her their life story and she was crying with them, laughing with them and loving on them with every ounce of her being. When you opened the door to Sisters, you opened the door to love. Everyone was welcome. Everyone was treated with respect. You were a friend, you were her sister. Unfortunately though, business is business and the sales on the antiques side of things weren't as hopping as on the restaurant side of things, so Sisters was sold to new owners before mom passed away about 9 years ago. But the Sisters years were some of the best years..,.

Fast forward to tonight. Mike and I were able to go on a date. We decided to try the restaurant that now fills the shoes of my mom's store. It's called Ballyhoo's, an Irish pub. I've driven by the store for years, always staring and trying to see in the windows as best as I can, but never having the nerve to go in, always knowing it would tear my heart out. I kept waiting for someone just as good as mom to go in and really spruce the place up but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe it will be a pub forever. And that's okay. But I think it's time to go in.

When we're at the front door I'm already emotional. I remember taking pictures of mom, Aunt Nancy, Aunt Janet, Aunt Kathy and Aunt Carolyn when we first opened on these very steps. And I think we need a plaque out here that says "This is where the Darbi Johnson had her first iced Mocha" because I know I've sunk at LEAST a couple grand into those since having my first one here. But when I opened the front door instead of hearing soft piano music, smelling a vanilla candle and seeing my mom's smiling face, I smelled must, saw re-painted walls, re-done everything and couldn't find her anywhere. Anywhere. I looked. As I walked into every area, slowly and tried my best to remember where everything was, exactly as she had it, and couldn't really, tears filled up in my eyes. Don't get me wrong. It was a great pub. But Dianne was gone. Still gone. And I wanted her to be there, to ask me how my day was at school, to tell me to go ahead and make myself an iced mocha and then to listen to all of my pitiful girl drama like only she could, to tear up when I teared up, to laugh at everything I thought was funny and then to just randomly walk over and kiss me on the head because that's what moms do and I miss her and that's her store and I'm still her kid.

Well, Mike and I found a table and we ordered and started talking and I didn't want to talk about the store or I would loose it so I asked him, "Do you want to play MASH?" and he said, "Yeah," so we got out some paper and we played a children's game in which you pretend to predict the future about where you're going to live, how many kids you'll have, what kind of car you'll drive and we laughed with each other and talked just the two of us and had a totally awesome date. I looked at him and I thought, "Do all people who have been married 11 1/2 years get to have this much fun? Are they this in love? I am sure a lucky girl because I am so in love with this guy. " After we ate we took a brief walk in a park. That's where a few tears came out. I told Mike, "I miss my mom." He said, "I know." I said, "I think she would have liked us." He looked at me awkwardly, "You mean still liked us?" What I meant is that I just think she would like the adults we are. We seemed to be kids when she died. She just loved to see Mike laugh. She'd just say, "Look it!" and we'd just watch him...and he still does that...wouldn't she still want to see that? And I think she'd want to see that I'm a lot like her. I mean, they can take my mom and all of her stuff out of a really important building, but they can never take Dianne out of me. So I guess tonight Dianne was at Sisters. =-) I really miss you mom.

Blog it out...

I don't know what to do or who to call first. I have a bazillion what if's, why's and how's running through my brain. There is no chocolate in the house, I've searched. Well, there is a bit of leftover easter bunny that is so stale it is not worth the calories. Mike's not answering his phone. I'm stressed. Is it the good kind of stress or the bad kind? Not in a category. It's the life altering kind. The uncomfortable kind. The kind nobody really wants to be in, yet we somehow find ourselves in often. We have to make a choice. A very hard choice, and just as we've learned before, God will not give us a black and white answer. That is one of the qualities we wish we could change about God. Free will is a nice thing most of the time when we're running about doing our daily lives...but when it comes to things that are hard...things that border on life or death, or the destiny of the life of a child...these are the things in which we should certainly get direct texting capabilities with our Heavenly Father.

Perhaps I've told you this before. If I have, sit tight and read it again, for it applies here as well. There was a day about 7 years ago that I was pregnant with twins whose lives were in great danger. Mike and I had decided that I would undergo a surgery that was to save both babies lives in-utero. It would separate their blood and nutrition systems from each other so that they could survive on their own. They would be doing this through a small incision in my stomach and into my womb, using a laser and a scope that were the size of the inside of a ball-point pen. Incredible.

The day before the surgery I asked them if I could please be put to sleep for the surgery, as it would be lengthy, there could be several complications and I was just plain anxious, as you could imagine. Here's what they told me: "You need to be awake because if we get in there and there is a complication, we will ask you if you want us to tie off Carter's chord (so that he can no longer live) so that Blake will have a chance to live, or if you will want us to leave the boys as they are and they will both most likely die." That's the choice that Mike and I had to make. Tie off one son's life line to save the other, or leave him alone and give them both a slim to none chance to make it. Us. Human us. Sure, we have God, and pray our buns off, we did, but once again, that texting thing sure would have been nice. THANK GOD our surgeon did the procedure just as it was to be done and we did not have to choose either way. Baby Carter held on for another 5 weeks post surgery but then he passed away, and his brother Blake just turned a healthy, happy 7! But my point is there are SO MANY CHOICES out there that we humans should not have to make!!! And it seems as though we find ourselves in another difficult one...

Our first foster daughter was in our home for 2 months. We were madly in love with that baby girl and wanted her to know Jesus above all else. She was moved from our home quite rapidly into a biological aunts home who was going to adopt her. About a month or so later we got our next placement and we are crazy mad in love with her! We've had her for a little over 2 months and she has us around her finger!! Life couldn't be better here at the Johnson home. And it looks like our baby girl's case is going to move toward adoption at a record pace...low drama.

Last Sunday when I was holding her in church and singing, I had our first baby girl heavy on my heart. I know we poured love into her for two months, but where is her future going to go? I know nothing about her new family. Will she ever finally get adopted? Who is going to teach her about Jesus? And the tears began.

Fast forward to today. It's a text from my social worker. She asks if she can drive down to visit. Last time she wanted to visit in person it was to tell me that our first baby would be leaving our home. She remembers to write, "don't freak out...it's a good visit." She knows me too well. I tell her to get her buns over here! Tyler lays on the floor with his Star Wars guys and I play with the baby. 40 minutes seem like 4 days. What could it be? Things are already good with our baby girl...How could they possibly get "good-er"? Did they forego the adoption policies all together and now we just get to have her? That would be good-er. Here she is. Do I say hi first or just make her give it to me?

She looks at my stroller. Points to it. "How'd you like to get a double stroller?" Wha? "What are you talking about?" The first thing I actually pictured was my baby and her birth mom....in the double stroller. That was a ministry I was not going to get into. "Baby _____ is available and everyone wants you to have her back." I threw my head back in disbelief. This was so not what I expected! "What? How did this happen?" Well, I don't know if I can put it on here, but the short of it is, she is available, and the birth family wants her to go back to us. Also, if we don't take her, the next family in line is...to put it nicely, not favorable. But no pressure.

The first question on everyone's mind is "What about your current baby (man, I can't wait until I can just say their names! And post pictures! And videos!) ?" We will be keeping her for sure! So in the event that we would take the first baby back, these babies would be 2 months apart. Now, the emotions of us say YESSSSS!!!! Give her back!!!!! But the other side is this: We would be welcoming back the drama of weekly visits with drug addicted, mentally ill parents, wishy-washy adoption plans for probably years to come, we would have twin babies, twin toddlers, twin teenagers, twin wedding gowns, everything! We would have the chance to change two lives instead of one. We would get to rescue two innocent orphans out of the pits of addiction instead of one. We would get to introduce two little girls to Jesus instead of one. We would get to watch two big brothers fall in love with two little sisters instead of one. We will have to pay for diapers for two babies instead of one, but if there's a couple strong enough to do it, I think we just might be able to. And if there's a God who can help give us the strength to do it, we've learned over and over and OVER again that He can.

For a God who has given my Michael and me so, so, so much in return for us giving Him so very little, what better way can we pay Him back but by taking care of those who are so heavy on His heart? It's just that first I have to ask Mike...

You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say,

Lord Blessed Be Your Name!!

Here goes somethin'!

Well it's been quite a while. We've had an eventful summer. We got a new baby sister (don't worry, she's a lot cuter than the picture, but we also love the sock monkey that Grandma Sue made for her)...Blake turned 7 and Tyler turned 5...(I can't believe my eyes!!)
Tyler, Mommy and Blake took swimming lessons... (Daddy filled in when he could!)
And the boys experienced their first Omak rodeo at Aunt Debbie's house!! (and their first of many public appearances in men's sized cowboy hats. Drove mommy wild!) Tried to get Mike to wear one too but all he would wear was a sombrero. Not the same effect...(nothing against sombreros)
A fun filled, but glad it's over summer. And boy was that week of sunshine nice or what? Please. I still have the rainy crankys left over from last fall, and now it's about to start all over...

So we must return to the subject of the new baby because I know people are dying to know: She is wonderful. She is healthy. She is smiling all over the place and even laughed out loud once and we've been trying and trying to get her to do it again and haven't won yet, but it will come...oh yes, it will come. I'm constantly after the boys for being in her "space". They just want to be in her face all the time and it makes her little eyebrows wrinkle. I think it's the same face I give them a good portion of the day. Soon enough she'll have a voice of her own and a little hand push-off to go with it and they'll be in trouble. But I love to see them love on her. That I could sit and watch for days...if only they would be more available for the practical side of things. Diaper changes, 4am feedings, what have you.

I will keep things very simple on the blog about baby girl's situation...please pray for the process. It looks like we might be headed in the way of adoption, but for one, that can be long, frustrating, and probably will include another set of fingerprints for me, but would result in a forever home for what we're praying is a wonderful match for our family. She seems to be the perfect match right now. And at the same time we stand guarded...knowing that at any point any of this can change in an instant. It's just how the system works. So as this sweet one is in our arms and we are loving her more and more each day, just pray that the right thing is done, that the best thing is done for her little life. That she would be safe, healthy and loved and to have a chance to know God. These are the things we want above all else...and we selfishly pray that these things can be done in our home with her last name being Johnson! And then I will finally get to post all of the pictures I want of her on here. Hairbows, nail polish and all!

Another thing that happened this summer is that I took a good, hard look at myself and realized just how out of control I was. I mean seriously out of control. For example, I would start the laundry machine at 1am and make sure it had 3 dish cloths, 2 pairs of boys underwear, an outfit for me, an outfit for the baby AND towels for baths JUST so we'd have clean stuff for the next day. Then around 2am I would go to sleep. It only gets worse from there. But what I started to think was, "What do I get done? I mean really get done? Sure, the kids are healthy, fed, happy, husband's happy, I'm happy, but am I just doing enough to get by or am I doing all that I can?" No, siry-Bob, I'm not talking about some super-amped-up-you-gotta-be-your-greatest-you-and-then-tell-Oprah-all-about-it crap because some of these book writer/ program seller people aim a little too high for the average Joe and then we fail at that high and so then we go back to feeling okay about doing nothing. So here's my plan...A reasonable schedule for my day which allows flexibility (especially on weekends) but still gets my life in order, allows time for exercise, family time, individual kid time, God time and me time, PLUS a "little bit more".

This little bit more portion of my week is going to be my legacy, in case there isn't much of a forever because we just can't control that, but it also could be the start of something bigger, or not. At the very least it will be good for my mind, my soul, my heart, my family, my kids, my future generations, my friends and whoever should choose to read it.....have you caught on??? I am finally going to write. I live and breath and eat it. My mind blogs while I'm driving in the car without me even knowing it. It's my passion, my calling, and I just don't want any more time to go by without me doing it. So here's where you come in: What should I do? What would you want to read first? What would you buy? Do you have connections? Tell me everything and anything you want because I want to hear it. I have children's books written in my closet that I haven't done anything with...I could do something with those first, or I could write my story but where do I start? Where do I end? It seems like every time I want to end the book God writes another really good chapter. You're the ones I trust because you're the ones who keep telling me to write so now tell me what to do and I'll do it...(maybe, but you're not the boss.)

A little order to your life, a little TLC to your body, and some meaning in your day can do a lot for your heart! Instead of dropping my priorities to work on a project like writing and letting everything else pile and pile up, now I can breathe slowly, get the toilets scrubbed and the baby changed and then have time for the things I love, guilt free! And I can't wait to see what this girl comes up with! My mom would be freaking out!