Keep walking...

Today we went on a walk to the "giant park" after dinner. We don't get the chance to go there very often because the sun usually comes out in 15 minute increments around here, so we usually go to the smaller park down the road and try to beat the rain home. But today the sun was out for a whole day. So we headed out.

Tyler, 3, loves the park. He loves to play soccer at the park. He loves being with his brother, mom and dad at the park. What he doesn't love? The longer walk there. His feet hurt, his leg hurts. His legs are itchy so he can't walk any more. Every step is a battle. "Daddy, can you carry me yet?" followed by whining and crying are what we hear until we reach about half-way, when we feel like he's gone a pretty great distance for those cute little legs to go. His reward? Riding on his dad's shoulders the rest of the way...until we reach the giant park.

Roller coaster has really become a theme in my life, the only thing about it is that the roller coasters at Six Flags I CHOOSE to go on time and time again, all day long. This roller coaster called life is not nearly as fun, and could I choose it, it would just be a cliff. More and more fun as I learn and grow and experience things and then POOF! I fall off the cliff and die some time in my 90's at the exact same time as Mike, with no pain, and in our sleep. I don't see why that plan seems so hard. But apparently it is not the road chosen for me. Again this week: A high and a low.

A few days after I wrote my last post about my fingerprints failing and the little hope that went with that, I got a message on my phone from the agency. It was like the whole world stopped but this time in a good way. The woman said, "When we talked to you last time, we hadn't reviewed all of our e-mails and we just wanted to let you know I have an e-mail right here that says Mike and Darbi Johnson are both CLEARED for their fingerprints!" She went on about what the next step would be but I jumped up and down and cried. I always try to quickly diagnose a blessing, so my first thought was that God had rewarded us for not giving up on Him and these miracles I've always heard about had just happened to me!!!

Saturday night I was the speaker at my brother's church. I gave my testimony about the amazing peace God gave us through our loss of baby Hope through now when I didn't think my fingerprints would ever pass, and then through a miracle they did! It was so fun to share what God did for me.

And then came Monday. I checked my e-mail. Erased the adds for the inappropriate creams on sale, erased the weight loss ones (and by the way, how does my e-mail even know that I'm chubby?) got rid of a couple of forwards, and one was left. From the agency. Re: Fingerprints. Oh, dear. It was a rejection letter dated that day. I made a phone call to the agency during which I find out they "made a mistake". They, "misread the e-mail". And once again my hope bubble is popped.

But what about my miracle? This is my God story. I thought he did this for me! He can't take back a miracle once he gives it out. That's the rules!! My stomach and my heart hurt. The man on the phone says, "Don't worry, you are not the only ones in this situation. I just talked to a couple who've been trying for over a year to get their prints done." Yeah, dude. Helpful. Thanks for bringing them up again. My mom died a long time ago. Wanna start talking about that too?

SOOOOOO....Here's how I feel right now...tired. Defeated. Sad. My legs hurt. My feet hurt. Every step is a battle. I want God to come and carry me but it seems like He's far away. Like maybe he got a new Wii and is playing Mario Kart with Noah. But at the same time I feel like He's got an eye on me and is encouraging me to keep going because He knows I can do it. And if I can just make it half way, He'll pick me up and let me rest on His shoulders for the rest of the way. And maybe that rest won't come until Heaven, but I just need to be okay with that.

It's all for the kids who are in way worse situations than I am, who are hurting worse than I even know about, for a chance for them to know about a God who loves them more than I do; A God who will one day carry them to the biggest "park" they could ever dream about.

Operation Choose Hope (again!!!)

So friends, I'm a little down. Okay, a lot down, but hopefully it won't last long. I got some more news about the fingerprints and the adoption...

There was one point where I thought we were about 6 weeks away from getting our baby, but then I got the notice that my finger prints failed. A month later I was able to try again and again they failed. They show up perfectly on the screen, but for whatever reason, the computer makes them not to FBI standards which they need to be in order to even foster a baby.

When I talked to my agency yesterday I was told that going elsewhere for fingerprints might get me okayed in Washington, but if I'm not passing for the FBI, I probably won't no matter where I go, or how many times I go. He DID say the state is THINKING about a program for people who fail their fingerprints 3 times in 90 days, but he said that's just in the thinking stages and you know how slow our state runs. And this is not just a problem with me. There are other families going through the same thing.

Every morning I wake up to an empty bassinet right by my bed. It's all ready to go with a diaper changing station and everything. Monitor is plugged in. If they called us this second, we would be ready today (we had to do this to get ready for the home study 3 weeks ago). But now when I look at it I am sad. Slowly loosing hope. How could I be following God's plan and have such a giant speed bump?

Unfortunately this is not the first time I've felt this way either. After Mike and I lost baby Hope we had to wait at least 6 months to get pregnant. I had her bassinet set up in our bedroom too. But I didn't want to take it down either. I kept it up to remind myself that one day it would be filled with Hope's brother or sister and that day we put our new baby in that crib would be AMAZING. Well, it worked some days. Most days it was just a reminder that it was empty and that somebody was supposed to be in there and she wasn't.

I had some time between the day baby Hope was born and the date she was due to be born (about 8 weeks) and God gave me an idea to start a fundraiser for a local charity and for gift bags for the babies and parents of the first 10 babies born on the day Hope was due. Instead of sitting at home staring at an empty cradle I was out shopping for the best baby bargains I could find, getting packages from people I had never met, and turning my mourning into dancing. I felt I was doing just what God would have wanted me to do. And Operation Choose Hope continued for 6 years. Each year getting bigger, and each year FULL of blessings and hope.

So yesterday was a dumpy day. I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry all day, or even try getting pregnant. That might be faster at this point. But does that take care of any of the 800 kids in Pierce county alone that need homes? No. That would be giving up on God. So what then do I do? As one of my new favorite songs says, "I will serve You while I'm waiting". I will not waste this time by fussing and tantruming (very much at least). I will not let the world win and throw up my hands and say, "At least I gave it a go! This was just too hard. Oh, well." and give up. I will serve God while I'm waiting. It can't be NEARLY as hard as it is for my little girl to be waiting for me.

Operation Choose Hope is BACK IN ACTION!!!

Please clean out your house, closet, toy box, anything you have to donate.

There will be a garage sale in July raising money for foster care/ adoption.

If you don't have things, checks are welcome too~

e-mail me and I'll give you my address.