So friends, I'm a little down. Okay, a lot down, but hopefully it won't last long. I got some more news about the fingerprints and the adoption...
There was one point where I thought we were about 6 weeks away from getting our baby, but then I got the notice that my finger prints failed. A month later I was able to try again and again they failed. They show up perfectly on the screen, but for whatever reason, the computer makes them not to FBI standards which they need to be in order to even foster a baby.
When I talked to my agency yesterday I was told that going elsewhere for fingerprints might get me okayed in Washington, but if I'm not passing for the FBI, I probably won't no matter where I go, or how many times I go. He DID say the state is THINKING about a program for people who fail their fingerprints 3 times in 90 days, but he said that's just in the thinking stages and you know how slow our state runs. And this is not just a problem with me. There are other families going through the same thing.
Every morning I wake up to an empty bassinet right by my bed. It's all ready to go with a diaper changing station and everything. Monitor is plugged in. If they called us this second, we would be ready today (we had to do this to get ready for the home study 3 weeks ago). But now when I look at it I am sad. Slowly loosing hope. How could I be following God's plan and have such a giant speed bump?
Unfortunately this is not the first time I've felt this way either. After Mike and I lost baby Hope we had to wait at least 6 months to get pregnant. I had her bassinet set up in our bedroom too. But I didn't want to take it down either. I kept it up to remind myself that one day it would be filled with Hope's brother or sister and that day we put our new baby in that crib would be AMAZING. Well, it worked some days. Most days it was just a reminder that it was empty and that somebody was supposed to be in there and she wasn't.
I had some time between the day baby Hope was born and the date she was due to be born (about 8 weeks) and God gave me an idea to start a fundraiser for a local charity and for gift bags for the babies and parents of the first 10 babies born on the day Hope was due. Instead of sitting at home staring at an empty cradle I was out shopping for the best baby bargains I could find, getting packages from people I had never met, and turning my mourning into dancing. I felt I was doing just what God would have wanted me to do. And Operation Choose Hope continued for 6 years. Each year getting bigger, and each year FULL of blessings and hope.
So yesterday was a dumpy day. I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry all day, or even try getting pregnant. That might be faster at this point. But does that take care of any of the 800 kids in Pierce county alone that need homes? No. That would be giving up on God. So what then do I do? As one of my new favorite songs says, "I will serve You while I'm waiting". I will not waste this time by fussing and tantruming (very much at least). I will not let the world win and throw up my hands and say, "At least I gave it a go! This was just too hard. Oh, well." and give up. I will serve God while I'm waiting. It can't be NEARLY as hard as it is for my little girl to be waiting for me.
Operation Choose Hope is BACK IN ACTION!!!
Please clean out your house, closet, toy box, anything you have to donate.
There will be a garage sale in July raising money for foster care/ adoption.
If you don't have things, checks are welcome too~
e-mail me and I'll give you my address.
5 comments:
Darbi, I so wish that I could just steal you away, take you to the beach on a sunny day, set out a big comfy blanket, pour a glass of wine or maybe a joint (yes, I said joint) and just really let the love and goodness sink in for an afternoon. I'd like some of your hope to rub off on me. (And who knows what other ideas we might come up with as well!?)
You are in my thoughts all the time. Thanks for using your sadness to bring so much understanding and hope to others.
Darbido, I LOVE YOU!!! We are just gonna have to find a way to get closer to go through our trials together...it just stinks that I can't give my Darbi a big squeeze and wipe the tears. Keep your "hope" in Christ and what He has in store for you. So when will you put the Operation Hope packages together and deliver? Let me know, K? Love you to the moon and back!!! Yer big sis.
Darb, I have to believe that God is using this to strengthen your character...remember Sarah and Abraham, Hun. Its not about whether you deserve a baby or not. Don't you see He is using you through this trial to help others, and to look to Him for guidance. Your faith is magnified with every "speed bump". My grandpa told me once in one of my darkest days that "His Calvary is Coming" and Grandpa was right. Your blessings are on their way, Darbi.
Okay. WHAT is wrong with your fingers? Are you like the serial killer in "Seven" that cut off his own fingerprints or what the heck? I would suggest calling the FBI up and giving them a piece of your mind but they would just ask to talk to your mom or dad anyway so that might not help. I could ship my 2 year old to you for a while...that might cure your baby itch for a while...the other day he walked into the living room and held his arms out and said "hey! what's going on here?!" Well, alrighty then. :) I know it's hard not to be sad and think it's never going to come together but God has this whole crazy thing about His time and not ours (which drives me to drink most of the time)...to make it worse, He's usually right ;) Hugs, my sweet friend!
Darbi I love your heart. I love that you wear it on your sleeve. I remember that about you from Warner and it was a wonderful thing. We have a large bleeding heart plant in our yard, and when it blooms my girls can't stay away from it. Chloe says "just seeing those little heart flowers makes me happy inside". When you pour out your heart and share it with people they are inspired, encouraged, and sometimes they feel connected through shared experiences and the unity of loss. I am so grateful that God put the burden for parentless children on your heart. It may be heavy to bear in the waiting and trials, but the blessings of your open heart and home will be too numerous to count when the Lord brings you your children. Praying that time will come for you soon.
Take care,
Elisha Gettmann
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