Oh, to be a cat.

After a 10 day trip in our new, used van down to Souther California and back, we rush home to prepare for the home visit in two days. Here is my to do list:

1. Cover all outlets.

2. Secure fire screen.

3. Create diaper changing station in baby's room.

4. Put baby's clothes away.

5. Put current family's mountain of clothes away.

6. Have Mike do fire safety check.

7. Do a fire drill with the boys and have them pretend we do it often.

8. Tackle boys' bedroom.

9. Clean my closet.

10. Exercise or owe Aunt Carolyn $5.

11. Find a home for the frog.

12. Get fitted for bridesmaid dress.

13. Get boys' proof of vaccination.

14. Get cat's proof of vaccination.

15. Make fingerprint appointment, as I received notice of FAILURE.

16. Clean my craft area (impossible).
17. Clean Blake's craft area (impossible-er).

18. Baby locks on cupboards.

19. Look for waterproof crib sheet.

20. Volunteer in Blakes' class.

21. Test the monitor bought on e-bay.

22. DEEP CLEAN EVERY SQUARE INCH OF EVERYTHING.

Here, now is a to-do list for Gus, my cat, who also is a member of this family and also has a home visit in two days:

1. Eat.

2. Nap.

3. Poop.

4. Stretch.

5. Repeat.

Oh, to be a cat.

Forecast for Today

Yesterday I went to pick up my brother when he was released from jail. Just me and my 3 year old, a cup of coffee and my truck. The sun was shining and I wore a t-shirt but within seconds it began to pour. "Fitting." I thought. The sun never lasts forever. As I drove I became anxious. I don't like being faced with situations in which I have no idea of what to expect. Uncomfortable things. Things that aren't fun. At least we could talk about the weather. And before I knew it the sun was out again. Rain, sun, rain, sun. About every 5 miles.
It reminded me of a time I was pregnant with my twins. One was thriving and healthy as can be while one had passed away after a 22 week battle and I had no choice but to carry him with me until the delivery date. In the same pregnancy I would prepare a funeral for my sweet baby Carter and the birthday of my healthy, miracle son who wasn't supposed to live. How in the world is one supposed to handle such conflicting emotions simultaneously? I could not think of another time in my life that would come close to the grief and the joy of this time. Again, it was new, uncomfortable, but it was my life and I had no choice but to move forward. I had to take the feelings one at a time. The grief, and then the joy. Just like the Bible says, there is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I could not do both.
So, yesterday is done. My brother is safe and okay for now.
" He loves me so much."
" He's sorry. "
" He will never do that again. "
My head is filled with words that all sound good, and time will tell if he delivers. He is in the middle of a battle for his life and God needs to win, but He can't do it without my brother's help. I will not dwell on this because his situation will not steal my joy and will not keep me from missing the times when the sun comes out.
Today as I was stressfully gathering the boys to get Blake to school the phone rang. IT WAS OUR AGENCY AND WE HAVE A HOME VISIT ON THE 30th!!! These moments come out of nowhere too. And they are unknown, a little bit scary, but very welcome into our lives. After a long wait of not hearing anything, it sounds like we could have a baby in a couple of months! I am dancing and spinning at the thought of this addition to our family. Even though this chapter will in itself be a series of rain and sun, I have been more than ready for it. I just believe that every time I've been through a little bit of rain, it's helped me feel the sun a little bit brighter.
Rain, sun, rain, sun, rain. Well, it's sunny and 80 in my heart today, and nobody can take that away!
Now I gotta go to Harry's Pit Stop and meet a lady from Craigslist to buy a bunch of baby girl clothes. =-)

I totally get it...

I judged you today sir, and I'm sorry. I don't know you. Not your name, age, background info, nothing about you. But the sight of you angered me instantly. I mean, really angered me. It wasn't you exactly, it was what you were pushing. A stroller. And it wasn't just a stroller, for I am in the market for baby strollers right now and am making my list to evaluate and find on craigslist later. But this won't ever make it on my list. Because it was not a stroller for babies. It was a stroller for dogs. (Friends are you sitting down?) A double dog stroller. In it were two very ugly dogs whose tummy hairs touch the ground. They were just being pushed down the street. By you. You and your dogs. With all the tummy hair.
Now don't get me wrong, I am a dog person. Love them, pet them, snuggle them, kiss them, even have a whole other voice on reserve just for them and my cat Gus. Yup, I am a dog person. What gets me going are when people prioritize them over other people, and that's the category I had you in in an instant. "A guy who doesn't care about anything in this world but his dogs" guy. And those people bug me.

But then I got a phone call from my brother. He's in jail for the first and hopefully last time. He wants to know if I still love him...if I will want to see him when he gets out...and he's crying like a baby which is something I'm not used to hearing from an older sibling, being the baby of the crew. This is a new bottom for him and all I can do is pray that he will choose the right path for his life. That's it. There's nothing left for me to do. But this experience does not come without great mixed emotions. Emotions that are hard, deep, real, frightening. And this is not the first time I've experienced these emotions for this individual, and this is one person in my whole sphere of influence....suddenly stroller dog guy, I totally understand you.

I consider my life "easy". I consider my suffering "of later onset". Great childhood, great support system, awesome husband, yadda, yadda, yadda. And some days I want to hide in a closet, throw away phones and computers and any other access to the outside world. If people never talk to me, how then can they hurt me? Right?

This is where the dog thing makes sense...Does a dog forget to call on your birthday? Does a dog show up drunk to your basketball game? Does a dog take your money and spend all you have on his internet gambling problem? Does a dog call you names? Does a dog ignore you? (I'm not talking about cats, I said dog.) Does a dog tell you he doesn't love you anymore? Does a dog hit you and abuse you? Does a dog make you feel insecure or talk about you behind your back? Does a dog call you from jail and ask you if you ever want to see him again...while you're trying to hold it together and be strong to go dye Easter eggs with your kids? No. A dog wouldn't do that. So do you know what I'd do to thank him? Buy him a stroller. And if he had a best friend, I'd buy them a double one. And they'd be the coolest dogs in Washington and I'd take them wherever 22nd Ct. would go. Because they'd be my dogs and they, unlike people, would never hurt me.

So sir, stroll on. You deserve a break from the drama. Whatever may or may not have hurt you in the past cannot hurt you when you are out not-walking your dogs. So as you glide, clear your mind and gather strength to face the future challenges ahead, (one of them being exercising your dogs because you've just pushed them for 10 blocks and they just sat there) because they will come.

As for me, until Mike gets me a dog, I'll be turning to Costco pizza. Also helpful.

Holding on to Hope

Hello friends! This is an Easter skit I wrote two years ago for church. Yup, hard to do but worth it. This year I will do it again for both services, but I think it will be even harder. For this year I find myself in a familiar scenario; with an empty room, waiting for a baby girl. There is a crib on one side and ironically on the other side is a desk. I'm waiting on a system full of needy children while my file sits on a desk somewhere, and my e-mails are unanswered, my crib and my arms sit empty. As time goes by it is harder and harder to trust that my plan will work out, but nothing slaps me in the face harder than my own words written two years ago. I hope you enjoy Easter with your loved ones, those of you with new babies will squeeze them tighter, those of you on couches will find peace and health, and those of you waiting on God or having a hard time believing will just give it their all. He did.

The Empty Room
(Chair in center, box marked “baby’s room”, pink things laying about. Darbi folds baby items and places them in box as she talks to God.)
This isn’t supposed to be my life. It’s not supposed to be anyone’s. After you go through a pregnancy and experience all of the excitement and the miracle of it all you’re supposed to spend a few days in the hospital and come home with a baby.
Why this God? Why me? Why did our little girl have to die? And without a reason? I just don’t understand! I’ve waited my whole life to become a mom and now just weeks away from taking her home with me, she dies. I’ve followed you forever. I’ve read my Bible, I’ve gone to church, I’ve even helped old ladies find what they’re looking for in the grocery store when other people don’t have time to help. You’d think I’d get some kind of extra credit for that or something. And then this happens. I just don’t know where you are. (Sit down)
I mean, I know you’re with me, I know I wouldn’t be able to be standing here if you weren’t. But since you have the power to perform miracles, why couldn’t you save baby Hope? Maybe you’re just too busy. Maybe you’re too far away. Maybe you just don’t understand. (Pause)
You have a Son. What if He…well he also died. A terrible, brutal, pre-planned death that you could have stopped. (Pause) But you didn’t. And you allowed your son to die so that I could live. I guess when I think about it that way it’s hard to expect you to have done something for me that you didn’t even do for yourself. You went through the worst of the worst…watching your son suffer and die WITH THE POWER TO STOP IT…for…me.
Until now I thought becoming a Christian meant signing up for the easy life, but clearly it’s not. I just have so many questions and wish so badly I could get you a cel phone that nobody else could use (and of course it would be Verizon so we’d have unlimited minutes and free texting). But after making it through these last few weeks holding our daughter, saying goodbye, having her funeral, and now packing up her nursery, through the pain I also feel a sense of strength. If you helped me get through this, you can help me get through anything, and I never want to know what life without you is like.
God, I’m sitting in this empty room that was so full of expectation for the life of baby Hope. The sleepless nights, the diaper changes, the lullabies, the books we’d read in this very chair, and for now it’s all on hold. What I want you to know is I’m not giving up on you. If this room is filled with 10 babies some day or a desk with a whole different plan all together down the road, I trust you- but you know I’ll throw another tantrum if you go with the desk option, right? We can do this. I mean, I planned for the room to be filled with baby Hope, but now it’s just full of another kind of hope. And for today, that’s okay. (Sing “It is well with my soul” & put animals & toys in box). AND SCENE =-)