Yesterday I went to pick up my brother when he was released from jail. Just me and my 3 year old, a cup of coffee and my truck. The sun was shining and I wore a t-shirt but within seconds it began to pour. "Fitting." I thought. The sun never lasts forever. As I drove I became anxious. I don't like being faced with situations in which I have no idea of what to expect. Uncomfortable things. Things that aren't fun. At least we could talk about the weather. And before I knew it the sun was out again. Rain, sun, rain, sun. About every 5 miles.
It reminded me of a time I was pregnant with my twins. One was thriving and healthy as can be while one had passed away after a 22 week battle and I had no choice but to carry him with me until the delivery date. In the same pregnancy I would prepare a funeral for my sweet baby Carter and the birthday of my healthy, miracle son who wasn't supposed to live. How in the world is one supposed to handle such conflicting emotions simultaneously? I could not think of another time in my life that would come close to the grief and the joy of this time. Again, it was new, uncomfortable, but it was my life and I had no choice but to move forward. I had to take the feelings one at a time. The grief, and then the joy. Just like the Bible says, there is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I could not do both.
So, yesterday is done. My brother is safe and okay for now.
" He loves me so much."
" He's sorry. "
" He will never do that again. "
My head is filled with words that all sound good, and time will tell if he delivers. He is in the middle of a battle for his life and God needs to win, but He can't do it without my brother's help. I will not dwell on this because his situation will not steal my joy and will not keep me from missing the times when the sun comes out.
Today as I was stressfully gathering the boys to get Blake to school the phone rang. IT WAS OUR AGENCY AND WE HAVE A HOME VISIT ON THE 30th!!! These moments come out of nowhere too. And they are unknown, a little bit scary, but very welcome into our lives. After a long wait of not hearing anything, it sounds like we could have a baby in a couple of months! I am dancing and spinning at the thought of this addition to our family. Even though this chapter will in itself be a series of rain and sun, I have been more than ready for it. I just believe that every time I've been through a little bit of rain, it's helped me feel the sun a little bit brighter.
Rain, sun, rain, sun, rain. Well, it's sunny and 80 in my heart today, and nobody can take that away!
Now I gotta go to Harry's Pit Stop and meet a lady from Craigslist to buy a bunch of baby girl clothes. =-)
6 comments:
What great news about a baby coming soon. You'll be a wonderful home for that little one! Good luck with your brother. God picks our families for us. We just have to trust that He knows best. You're in our prayers!
That's exactly why I never have a true answer when someone asks me how I am doing. Do they mean right now, this very instant, twenty minutes ago, or this week in general. There are too many ups and downs.
I'm so excited for your homestudy. And I'm so thankful you have this blog now so I can walk this with you!
This post and your last one remind me of a simple illustration I once heard. Life is like a spiral - imagine the metal spiral of a notebook. Things come around and around again. Same struggles, similar joys, rain, shine, round and round we go. But we also keep moving up, so though we encounter the same things, we see them from a slightly different angle each time. And that's maturity, I suppose.
Anyway, Darbi, I read and take to heart your stories. Thanks.
This is very good news about a homestudy visit. I am saying a prayer for you.
Oh, Darbi. Rain or shine you are in my thoughts...along with sweet Carter and Hope. I enjoy all that you share on your blog and I'm so happy I can keep up with the Johnsons.
I'm so excited about your home study! Our home study was the last time I did a real deep clean of our house...boy, does it need a deep clean now. Have fun cleaning and preparing for your baby girl! Oh, I'm so excited for you and Mike. I hope I can give you a hug in person this Saturday! I'm just so excited for that baby girl who will be joining your family...either for a short time or for the rest of her life. She will be so blessed and you will be blessed with her.
I hope your brother will see the light...soon.
I love you, friend!
Hey Darbi - this post (as usual) was so lovely. I'm so excited for you guys to have the baby finally in your home and your arms.
What is your email address?
I would love to converse with you about some things or two...:)
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