The ups and downs of Mothers Day

Mothers Day will always be bittersweet for me. But as each year passes I pray the sweet will outgrow the bitter, as my heart continues to remember my children and my mother who are no longer with me, and as my heart is continually filled by the blessings of my children who are with me and their sweet gestures of love.

Here are some of the bitters and the sweets of this year:



Sweet- Blake came out of his classroom at school with a giant grin. "Mom, I MADE you a surprise! You can't open it until mothers day! Or you can open it in the car!" He gets that from me. I can't ever wait to give someone a surprise. Inside his backpack: a hand made card that read, "Mom, I love you because:____________" and he wrote on the blank, "you love me for evr"(phonetically). He drew me and him jumping on a trampoline, and I was wearing a pearl necklace. It's a keeper for sure. And just so you know I don't wear pearls and we've never jumped on a trampoline together. Even sweeter.



Bitter- It was mothers day right before my mom died. She had a blood disease and couldn't catch a single germ or it could be really bad. For mothers day she couldn't be around people. I lived in Portland and dad said it was best to stay there since she couldn't have visitors anyway. My bro and sis in law lived in Seattle so they drove to the house but visited through the sliding glass window. We had all bought her a bird feeder. They put it in her yard and then called me on the phone so I could talk to her while they opened the window and let her see it. She cried her head off and loved it so much. I would have driven 300,000 miles to stand outside her sliding glass window...if I had only known.



Sweet- Mike took me to Target to pick out any gift I wanted. He took the boys so I could slowly shop down every aisle and take my time, in peace and quiet. Little did I know the boys were shopping for me as well. After I bought what I wanted (a giant, rain-fall shower head) I saw the boys ringing up a surprise. When we all got in the van I opened my gift from Tyler. It was Hanna Montana bubble gum! I said, "Thank you Tyler!!" He looked at it and said, "Can I hold it?" He was holding true to his three year old model that it is truly better to receive than to give. =-)

Bitter- After my dad made my family mother's day tacos, my aunts wanted to take flowers over to the cemetery to mom and grandma's graves. And my babies are buried with my mom. The whole day I was already walking around like an emotional ticking time bomb...going to the cemetery was not going to help this. So instead I stayed home and watched a cable show about families in other countries that get to watch multiple children die due to having no running water available to them. And this is every day life to them. What are we going to do about this? I tabled the question for a day that was not mothers day. Again...did not help with the time bomb thing.

Sweet- After church I had to stay late and clean up the espresso bar I help run. Blake came running up to me with a wooden butterfly he had painted for me in class. He said again, "Happy mothers day mom! I made you this! Oh, and this!" He reached in his bag and gave me a half a bag of crumpled up goldfish crackers. He said, "I saved you half of my snack for when you're done doing coffee because I know that makes you awfully tired." Then he puckered his lips for a kiss. Yeah. For real.

Bitter- My heart is ready for my next baby but my stinking fingerprints won't pass and this is something I cannot control. I trust God's plan in all of this, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I need patience. I need peace. I need to enjoy this time as a family of four while life isn't very crazy because it will only get more out of hand with the foster care system entering it.

Thank you God for the bitter and the sweet, each adding it's own flavor to my very complete life. I learn from each side. I am struggling right now as to what I am to do as I wait on you, but I trust you know just what you are doing and I am thankful, SOOOO thankful, for the mommy you created me to be. The mommy of Hope Michael and her dark, curly hair and unforgettable, perfect, Mary Kay lips. The mommy of Carter Lewis who brought me SO much joy of shopping for twins and who kicked me for the first time, right under my heart the night before his surgery, letting me know everything would be okay. The mommy to Blake Richard whose face alone brightens up a room and who makes me laugh so hard with his sense of humor and whose tender heart makes him the best big brother. The mommy to Tyler Carter who is quiet like daddy but when he talks he means what he says and is so fun to be with. His kisses make me feel like a million bucks. And finally the daughter to Dianne Yvonne Fankhauser, the greatest mother ever made, who taught me that people were more important than things, listening was more important than dishes, and giving was more important than getting. I am BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE for all of these gifts you have given to me...really makes my shower head look stupid. (sorry honey!)

He gets it...

Today I'm writing my story for my friend who is going to school to become a Doula. I told her I would possibly like to do the same some day, mainly to be there for mothers who have still-born babies. There is just so much I want to make sure these mothers know about this experience and almost nobody gets to plan for it. Since I can't be there for everyone I want to make sure people who are there know what I want them to know, in hopes that it can help make someones journey a little easier. For example, everything Hope ever touched, her blanket, her outfit, was buried with her. If I had thought that through I really would have liked to have held on to one of those items. But it was so chaotic and over so fast... an outsider who is thinking of details would really be helpful.
So, anyway, I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop writing section two of the story. Blake comes up to the computer and starts hitting buttons, thinking it's funny, while mentally I was writing about calling my best friend and telling her Hope had died (Not a good time to joke with mommy). I took his hand off the computer and said, "Honey, can you do me a favor? Can you go upstairs and watch a show while mommy writes for a bit and then I'll come up and play with you?"
He said, "But I want to write with you."
"Well, I'm writing about something that is sad and I kind of need to be alone for a little bit. Just take Ty upstairs for one show and I'll be up."
"What are you writing about?" he asks.
"I'm writing to my friend who wants to know about baby Hope."
He sat quiet for a bit. "Why did she die if she's just a baby?"
"Do you mean because usually it's old people who die?"
"Yeah." He and Tyler were both just staring at me.
"Well, we may never know. You know when we go to the doctor and they check you with the stethoscope and poke your belly and your back and your ears and your toes to make sure your whole body is okay?" They both nodded yes. "Well, after your sister was born they did that same thing and they did not find ONE thing wrong with her! She was a perfect little baby. But you know what?"
"What?" they both said.
"When things that are sad or scary happen to us and Jesus helps us get through them, if we tell our friends that Jesus helped us and that we're okay now, it can sometimes help other people."
I thought, surely I'd lost them. Why was I trying to explain something so complicated to a 5 year old and a 3 year old? Because I'm a stay-at-home mom and this is probably the closest thing I'll get to adult conversation today. That's why. Then I saw a little light-bulb go off. It was Blake.
"You mean like how I used to be really scared to go through the car wash? And now I'm not anymore? So I tell Tyler he'll be okay and if he sits on Daddy's lap he does okay?"
"Just like that."
They got off the couch. Blake went up stairs and Ty followed him with his airplane arms sticking out. They watched their show and let me write.
And he gets it. In his own precious five year old way, he gets it.

Dancing with Hope

Sundays are one of my favorite days. One of the reasons is because at church I get to see all of my friends babies, kiss them, cuddle them, see the many new tricks they've learned to do, and then when they start to get crabby or are poopie, I get to give them back to their mommy. It's like practicing being a grandparent once a week. It's great.
Don't get me wrong, I love my own boys to death, but I also am madly in love with my friends kids too. Especially the girls in their little tights and dresses, ponytails and baby dolls. It's just a world I haven't been able to live in since my own childhood and I can't get enough of it. It's a little bit of an obsession, one might say. Okay a LOT of an obsession. But I just can't help myself.
Today Mike was working so I entered the sanctuary alone. I could choose anywhere to sit, so naturally I wanted to sit by a baby in case the mom needed "help". I saw my favorite one up front but church had already started and I didn't want to cause a scene. I saw another in the front, same problem. Then I saw the baby I haven't yet met and my tummy turned upside down. I knew I couldn't sit with her yet. It just wasn't time. So I bypassed her and sat with my parents. She was sitting right behind me. She's almost 7 weeks. Beautiful. Perfect. Her name? Hope.
During the service I kept thinking about this baby. Am I mad that the parents chose the same name for their baby as I had for mine? Of course not! It's a beautiful name! Am I going to continue to avoid baby Hope and pretend she doesn't exist as she grows up at my church and plays with my kids? Not an option either. I knew what needed to be done, but I knew it would be hard, and who wants to do what's hard?
After the final song I turned to Hope's parents and said, "Can I hold her?" They said, "Of course!" Then I said, "And can I walk with her and cry a little bit?" and they said, "Sure!"
Her mommy placed her in my arms. She stared right at me as I cried and danced with her in the sanctuary. I said, "Hi Hopey. I love you and I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm going to be your crazy Aunt Darbi who wants kisses and cuddles all the time while you grow up. You will always be my special girl okay? And I'll always watch out for you okay? And you have a special buddy in Heaven with your same name who's looking out for you too." She grinned and we talked and snuggled and it was just awesome.
It hurts to face things that are hard. But I had to do it in order to be at my church and feel at peace. I feel so much better and now my heart is able to fully love another baby who just happened to be the first baby I've met with my daughter's name since she died. And now that I've faced that, the next baby Hope I meet won't be so bad.
In fact it made me a little more excited for the day I get to dance with my Hope...

A slow pace to end the race...

The paperwork is so slow. They submitted it in February and still haven't cleared us for our background checks. The reason? My fingerprints FAILED. Didn't think it was possible, but yes, turns out it is. In fact the sweet man who came to do our home visit said he has clients who have been working for over a year to have their fingerprints pass through the FBI. PRAY we do not become one of those clients. This would fall into the category of "fun" along with getting all of my toenails pulled out without any drugs. No, I haven't had that done, it's just where my mind went right then. Yes, I'm going a little bit crazy. May 7th is the day I get the prints re-done.
The home visit was good. The man who came was gentle and sweet. I expected hard-nosed and anal. The kind of rule enforcer who loves to enforce...just because. All of us know a "that guy". But he wasn't. He wants us to succeed in this ministry and we could tell. The list of things to get done was far more intimidating than he was. This is the difference between working with our private agency and working with the state. We're not just case #435.6, we're the Johnson family. After he went over the few things we need to change, he kindly said, "Can I pray with you?" and he did. On our couch. And it was wonderful. The guy who tests our water temperature cares about our future family member and our well being and our boys' well being and I felt God's peace.
He said, "Now we do have a lot of waiting to do on the state and that is not in our control, but just remember it is in God's timing...and you'll have a baby this summer." (giggle, giggle)
As I wait out these next couple of months, I will feel at times they are going so slow. But I think of my Autumn who waited so long and finally has her miracle baby and know I can do it. I think of my Hutchisons and how long they tried and tried to make a family and couldn't. Now they have three toddlers and don't even have time to sit down. I can do it. Until my baby is with me, I'll keep carrying my cat around in my moby wrap so I can get those knots down. Better I drop her, as she can land on her feet right? (Don't judge me.) Thanks, as always for your support!