Sundays are one of my favorite days. One of the reasons is because at church I get to see all of my friends babies, kiss them, cuddle them, see the many new tricks they've learned to do, and then when they start to get crabby or are poopie, I get to give them back to their mommy. It's like practicing being a grandparent once a week. It's great.
Don't get me wrong, I love my own boys to death, but I also am madly in love with my friends kids too. Especially the girls in their little tights and dresses, ponytails and baby dolls. It's just a world I haven't been able to live in since my own childhood and I can't get enough of it. It's a little bit of an obsession, one might say. Okay a LOT of an obsession. But I just can't help myself.
Today Mike was working so I entered the sanctuary alone. I could choose anywhere to sit, so naturally I wanted to sit by a baby in case the mom needed "help". I saw my favorite one up front but church had already started and I didn't want to cause a scene. I saw another in the front, same problem. Then I saw the baby I haven't yet met and my tummy turned upside down. I knew I couldn't sit with her yet. It just wasn't time. So I bypassed her and sat with my parents. She was sitting right behind me. She's almost 7 weeks. Beautiful. Perfect. Her name? Hope.
During the service I kept thinking about this baby. Am I mad that the parents chose the same name for their baby as I had for mine? Of course not! It's a beautiful name! Am I going to continue to avoid baby Hope and pretend she doesn't exist as she grows up at my church and plays with my kids? Not an option either. I knew what needed to be done, but I knew it would be hard, and who wants to do what's hard?
After the final song I turned to Hope's parents and said, "Can I hold her?" They said, "Of course!" Then I said, "And can I walk with her and cry a little bit?" and they said, "Sure!"
Her mommy placed her in my arms. She stared right at me as I cried and danced with her in the sanctuary. I said, "Hi Hopey. I love you and I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm going to be your crazy Aunt Darbi who wants kisses and cuddles all the time while you grow up. You will always be my special girl okay? And I'll always watch out for you okay? And you have a special buddy in Heaven with your same name who's looking out for you too." She grinned and we talked and snuggled and it was just awesome.
It hurts to face things that are hard. But I had to do it in order to be at my church and feel at peace. I feel so much better and now my heart is able to fully love another baby who just happened to be the first baby I've met with my daughter's name since she died. And now that I've faced that, the next baby Hope I meet won't be so bad.
In fact it made me a little more excited for the day I get to dance with my Hope...
7 comments:
Thanks for sharing, my brave friend.
Wow! I hardly know what else to say, except that I can't imagine the loss and the pain you still feel on occassions like today. I'm sorry you've had to face such hard times. You are courageous for doing what you did at church. That makes you quite amazing! A lot of people would have avoided it or remained angry. Thanks for sharing. What a beautiful soul you have, Darbi!
Darbi, oh.
It is so relevant that you named your baby girl Hope. You teach others how to do that more than anyone I know.
Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
I am telling myself that, you see. And you, although you know it already. Thanks for writing, as always.
You are so brave.
I was thinking of Hope the other day...because her bday is coming up. And I couldn't even believe she'd be seven. I kind of picture her that age, with two front missing teeth and beautiful honey blonde hair, in ponies, of course.
She's in my heart, too.
Wow, Darb you made the tears flow this time. I admire you so much and can't imagine the courage and strength that took. I am so proud of you and feel so blessed to have such a beautiful friend in my life. I have so much to learn from you!
We are sooooooo still writing our book.
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