There's somebody in our car seat!

So, (I know I should probably not start a sentence with the word "so" but it's the best way to start a really good story that I'm telling to my really good friends. So that's how this story shall begin...) I walk in the door from running some errands and my mind is spinning, still trying to process all that was Poland. I'm telling you, it was an amazing trip, and someday I'm going to tell you all about it. But just as I enter the house I see Mike. He's sitting on the couch. He has the phone. He says, "Want to go out tonight?"

I say, "Sure." We are very spoiled by our parents living close to us, so we get to go on dates and have free babysitting on a regular basis.

"Wanna go to (name of hospital)?" Oh dear. He left his sunglasses there during work and now he wants to go pick them up and call it a "date". How romantic. I smile and roll my eyes. Maybe we'll get some free plastic gloves and I can try out my ballooning skills. Even better.

He stands up and looks at me in the eyes. "Wife...Do you want to go to the hospital to get our baby?"

I couldn't believe his words were true. It was like we had waited for this moment for nearly 2 years and yet hadn't had "any time" to prepare. It was exciting and frightening, happy and sad, the easiest and one of the hardest births we've ever been a part of...and it's only the beginning.

There is a lot about our daughter that I want to share and that I know you want to know but I cannot because it is a foster to adopt situation. I can't post pictures of her sweet face or tell you her name. I cannot tell you the story of why her mother is not able to take care of her right now. I can't tell you the details of the visits she'll have with her birth parents starting this Friday and the court dates that will fill in the time between now and her possible adoption day. But I can tell you this; We are in love. Dangerously in love with the little girl who is living in our house. And that just makes things difficult.

When I tucked Blake and Ty into bed the other night Ty said, "Is thith the thisthter we get to keep?"

"Yeah mom, I want to keep her!" Blake chimed in. Realizing the reality of how her presence affects the boys already was heart-wrenching.

I sat by their bed, with their sister in my arms and said, "We just don't know how long baby sister is going to be here. She is living with us because her mommy and daddy are making bad choices right now. We need to pray that they will make good choices so she can be with her family. But if they don't make good choices, she will stay with us."

"But we want her to stay!" Blake says. So do I. I'm teaching my children the agreement that is on paper. Reunification with the family is object #1. Adoption is second. But is that what I want? And if I'm doing this as a ministry am I supposed to be doing what I want, or what God wants?

I am fighting with myself on the subject. Part of me (the selfish, ugly part) wants to grow a beard, change my name to "Ace" and move my family to Montana where they'll never find us. No courts, no visits, no taking away of the people you love. Kind of like heaven only illegal and we'd have to pay taxes. This is also the part of me that wants to see the birth family fail miserably...all for my selfish gain. But who actually wishes that on somebody? I don't want that to be me.

So then I start thinking about this baby girl in my arms and how she was born into a broken world, into a very broken family. She didn't choose it. It wasn't her fault. I don't even think God's to blame on this one. He set us up with some pretty sweet digs when this place was starting out...just open your Bible to Genesis! It was man that started screwing everything up. And the world gets uglier and uglier as we make poor choice after poor choice.....and bazillions of children are caught with the consequences. It's another part of life that isn't fair.

But this is the thing about God...I know He has the power to speak the words and this baby's family would turn completely around, I'd feel great about where she was headed and we'd all be friends so that I could still go to her birthday parties. It'd be great. BUT He doesn't always work that way. He gave us a brain and he gives us choices. Choices that are huge. Choices that sometimes seem impossible. But as I've experienced time and time again, he never leaves us to make these choices alone.

So, as my daughter's birth family makes the choice to cling to or flee from addictions, to possibly break past behaviors and weather or not to fight for the little girl in my arms;

I CHOOSE to hold her every minute I have because time is so precious.

I CHOOSE to take more pictures of her than of any other living thing because I just can't help it.

I CHOOSE to walk around Fred Meyer with great pride and joy while others peek and giggle at her because this might be her only chance to be a rockstar.

I CHOOSE to let her brothers kiss her as much as they want even though they have germs because they are in love too and I need to let them show it.

I CHOOSE to pray for her life, that she will always feel loved, safe and know Jesus because as her mom I might be the only one who remembers to pray.

I CHOOSE to love this little girl like nobody else can because she deserves nothing less and because it's what God calls us to do.

Poland Part 1: The News

This trip was amazing. Incredible. I found new fears and broke down ones I didn't think were possible to overcome. (Besides the fear of going 10 days without coffee...only to find there was an espresso machine right there in our living quarters!) Physically I was pushed and hurt in little tiny corners of my shoulders and toes that usually don't demand much attention. Friendships were deepened through both the toughest of times and the true release of late-night belly laughs. Tears were shed by seeing repeatedly how good my God is, and just how majestically he works through the big things and in the little things, specifically in me.
I suppose it will take several posts to talk about the easier things (the traveling, the beauty of the city itself, the food, etc.) and the harder things that I'm still processing. But it will all be on here and hopefully worth the read. So now we begin with Poland Part 1:

The News

So, remember the last post? I was a bit whiny and preachy. The way I usually get when I'm insecure with the way things are going. But if I do recall, the main reason I was going on this trip in the first place was not because I wanted to, but rather out of obedience to God. I was no longer going to sit around and waste my time waiting for this foster baby process. I was going to get out there and work for God, wether that meant doing something I considered fun or not. Poland with a bunch of teenagers doing street ministry? Not.

On the trip we are told to not have any contact with home. Mostly for the sake of the kids with the overbearing moms. Give them an inch and they'll expect a mile. Well, the ministry just doesn't have time to stop every half hour so that Jimmy can get ahold of his mom to tell her he took his vitamins on time and ate the crust on his PB and J. To make the rule easiest, they've just said everyone going on the trip has to follow the same no-contact rule.

Well, you see, we had the head guy Mark, at our hostel. He had a computer and he was kind enough to let us leaders have a couple of minutes in the evening to post a note to our spouses on facebook. It was wonderful. Almost made the trip harder because it made us miss them more, but it was wonderful. One night I knew Mark was leaving the next day, so as I was chatting live with my Mikey, I said, "I won't be able to talk anymore as Mark's taking the computer but I love you to bits and bits and pray for us!!!" That would be all for 6 more days. I wrote in my journal and went to sleep. Very early in the morning Sherry woke me up. She said, "Darbi, Mike's on the computer and needs to talk to you right away." My first thought, honestly? Who's dead? I barely had my balance and walked into the men's dorm room and got on. Mike was on-line. I said, "Hello?"

"Hi. Did you see it?"

"See what? What's going on?" All possible tragedies are going through my mind.

"Your pictures. Go to your page and look at your pictures."

And here is the picture I saw:

I couldn't believe my eyes. I knew this day would come but not so soon. I mean, I know that sounds funny when we've been waiting almost 2 years on a 6 month process, but let me explain. There are times when I pray and pray about something and it seems God doesn't answer the way I want, or he doesn't answer in a black and white way, so it leaves me "guessing" as to what I am supposed to be doing...the "best answer", or how I could best be doing what he would want me to do. But then there are times like these (and they don't happen very often) when I say to God, "I want to have a foster baby, but I want to follow you more so I'm going on this trip. If YOU WANT me to have a foster baby, then let your will be done in your time. It's hard to wait, but it's in your time." And on that very trip, it happens.

I learned so much about myself on the trip, more confidence on who I am in God, what kind of a mom I can be because of the things I can do on his strength, that I just feel even more equipped to fight for these babies that so desperately need homes and need Jesus even more. I am ready now and he knew that. And I just can't wait. As soon as a baby is ready for us THEY WILL CALL!!!! Isn't that exciting?!?!?

Goodnight for now.