There's somebody in our car seat!

So, (I know I should probably not start a sentence with the word "so" but it's the best way to start a really good story that I'm telling to my really good friends. So that's how this story shall begin...) I walk in the door from running some errands and my mind is spinning, still trying to process all that was Poland. I'm telling you, it was an amazing trip, and someday I'm going to tell you all about it. But just as I enter the house I see Mike. He's sitting on the couch. He has the phone. He says, "Want to go out tonight?"

I say, "Sure." We are very spoiled by our parents living close to us, so we get to go on dates and have free babysitting on a regular basis.

"Wanna go to (name of hospital)?" Oh dear. He left his sunglasses there during work and now he wants to go pick them up and call it a "date". How romantic. I smile and roll my eyes. Maybe we'll get some free plastic gloves and I can try out my ballooning skills. Even better.

He stands up and looks at me in the eyes. "Wife...Do you want to go to the hospital to get our baby?"

I couldn't believe his words were true. It was like we had waited for this moment for nearly 2 years and yet hadn't had "any time" to prepare. It was exciting and frightening, happy and sad, the easiest and one of the hardest births we've ever been a part of...and it's only the beginning.

There is a lot about our daughter that I want to share and that I know you want to know but I cannot because it is a foster to adopt situation. I can't post pictures of her sweet face or tell you her name. I cannot tell you the story of why her mother is not able to take care of her right now. I can't tell you the details of the visits she'll have with her birth parents starting this Friday and the court dates that will fill in the time between now and her possible adoption day. But I can tell you this; We are in love. Dangerously in love with the little girl who is living in our house. And that just makes things difficult.

When I tucked Blake and Ty into bed the other night Ty said, "Is thith the thisthter we get to keep?"

"Yeah mom, I want to keep her!" Blake chimed in. Realizing the reality of how her presence affects the boys already was heart-wrenching.

I sat by their bed, with their sister in my arms and said, "We just don't know how long baby sister is going to be here. She is living with us because her mommy and daddy are making bad choices right now. We need to pray that they will make good choices so she can be with her family. But if they don't make good choices, she will stay with us."

"But we want her to stay!" Blake says. So do I. I'm teaching my children the agreement that is on paper. Reunification with the family is object #1. Adoption is second. But is that what I want? And if I'm doing this as a ministry am I supposed to be doing what I want, or what God wants?

I am fighting with myself on the subject. Part of me (the selfish, ugly part) wants to grow a beard, change my name to "Ace" and move my family to Montana where they'll never find us. No courts, no visits, no taking away of the people you love. Kind of like heaven only illegal and we'd have to pay taxes. This is also the part of me that wants to see the birth family fail miserably...all for my selfish gain. But who actually wishes that on somebody? I don't want that to be me.

So then I start thinking about this baby girl in my arms and how she was born into a broken world, into a very broken family. She didn't choose it. It wasn't her fault. I don't even think God's to blame on this one. He set us up with some pretty sweet digs when this place was starting out...just open your Bible to Genesis! It was man that started screwing everything up. And the world gets uglier and uglier as we make poor choice after poor choice.....and bazillions of children are caught with the consequences. It's another part of life that isn't fair.

But this is the thing about God...I know He has the power to speak the words and this baby's family would turn completely around, I'd feel great about where she was headed and we'd all be friends so that I could still go to her birthday parties. It'd be great. BUT He doesn't always work that way. He gave us a brain and he gives us choices. Choices that are huge. Choices that sometimes seem impossible. But as I've experienced time and time again, he never leaves us to make these choices alone.

So, as my daughter's birth family makes the choice to cling to or flee from addictions, to possibly break past behaviors and weather or not to fight for the little girl in my arms;

I CHOOSE to hold her every minute I have because time is so precious.

I CHOOSE to take more pictures of her than of any other living thing because I just can't help it.

I CHOOSE to walk around Fred Meyer with great pride and joy while others peek and giggle at her because this might be her only chance to be a rockstar.

I CHOOSE to let her brothers kiss her as much as they want even though they have germs because they are in love too and I need to let them show it.

I CHOOSE to pray for her life, that she will always feel loved, safe and know Jesus because as her mom I might be the only one who remembers to pray.

I CHOOSE to love this little girl like nobody else can because she deserves nothing less and because it's what God calls us to do.