When's a good time to have a baby?

I've heard people say they're waiting to have a baby because of certain reasons...they want to finish school first, wait until their loan is paid off, get a better job, have their other kids grow a bit, buy a bigger house, save up for a van, and I admire those people. I really do. Especially when they can actually stick to those plans. To me, that's what the 9 months of growing a baby is for...the planning. Any more time than that to plan anything would be excessive. I'm very impatient, especially when it comes to the matters of tiny people (one of my favorite things).

But what happens next is you might be in the right position financially, physically and emotionally and decide to start trying to have a baby and there's a whole new list of things that can blow your plans off track. For example a womb that once worked after the first try can just decide it doesn't want to work anymore, an adoption that is supposed to take around 6 months can take years, or congratulations, triplets! I guess I'm just realizing that the more and more I try to plan my family, the less control I realize I actually have over any part of it...and I'm finally okay with that.

Today was our home study which really should have been called a you study. I have been asked far less at a job interview, and yet I wish all people would have to go through such an interview before being denied or allowed to conceive. The case worker wanted to know how old my parents were when they met. (I don't know, old?) Where is the location of our tree frog we had listed in the paper work a year ago? (6 feet under.) What kind of grades did I get in middle school? (Were there grades? I thought there were just boys.) The questions continued for 2 1/2 hrs. But then they got good:

"Mike, what attracted you to Darbi?" We smiled, paused and looked at each other. This was not one we had practiced ahead of time. I didn't know what he was going to say.

"Other girls made me feel like I had to be different. But not her. She just liked me for who I was from the beginning. I didn't have to try to be somebody else. I was just me. And she liked me. " I got all teary but tried to keep it together. Only losers cry during their home studies.

"And what would you say is the hardest thing you have ever been through as a couple?" And out the tears come. I looked at him and gave him a nod and he told her the story of loosing our Hope. He told her how it was by far the hardest thing we'd gone through, but we did in fact get through it because of our faith, our friends and our family that stood by our side and held us up when we couldn't stand on our own.

"And what would you say has been the very best thing you've experienced?" I immediately said, "Blake's birth" just as Mike said, "The rest." I looked at him and just paused in a moment of awe. If we were in a movie right then the camera would have zoomed in on me staring into his cute face for a while while the case worker went on with her questions but some mushy song would be playing in the background. He's a man of few words, so when he says them I just melt.

Looking back at our marriage so far we definitely didn't get the kids we planned or when we wanted them. But a life any different than the one we've lived is so hard to imagine. We've done life together and we've got some qualities of an 80 year old couple because of it. We couldn't bond that way or learn those things if we would have taken the easy path we had "planned" for ourselves.

The case worker left our house this afternoon and will write up a 13-17 page profile of her visit with us today. That will be placed on top of all of our paperwork and sent to the licensor who will hopefully give us a license in about a month. But none of that is in our control. Any number of things can happen in the meantime that can either speed up or slow down the process of getting our baby into our hands. And that's okay.

My life is perfectly imperfect and complete right now with a history of blessings and bruises along the way that shaped me into the Darbi I'm supposed to be, the mom I'm supposed to be of the children I'm supposed to have. There will be a next one, I don't know who or when, but when they enter this home there will be so much love, laughter, care and hope waiting for them that there won't be room for their little cheeks!

So when's a good time to have a baby? Never...and always.

Fingerprints: Check!

Friends, in order for you to know how BIG of a blessing we've just experienced, you need to know a little bit of history first.

When Mike and I decided to adopt it was because we felt like it was what God wanted. We were on a waiting list for the agency we wanted to work with for a year (which was okay because Tyler was still small and we weren't quite ready) before they would even take applications. When we went to their information meeting we were one of two couples (out of 25 or so) who COULD conceive. All of the others had struggled with infertility and had had previous losses and shed tears as they told their story and their hope in adoption. Even though we wanted to adopt, we felt like we would be "taking" a baby from one of these couples who hadn't even been given the chance to parent yet and that just didn't feel right.

Enter the Foster Care Guy. I don't remember his name but he spoke about an alternative to traditional adoption called foster-to-adopt. Sure, it had risks, sure, it was uncertain, and sure, it was not what we had planned, but boy was there ever a need for it. We left the meeting and kind of let that sink in for a while.

As we shared that option with our family and friends we heard the same answer over and over. "You can't do that!", " What if you have to give the baby back!" ,"That would be too hard!", "I could never do that!" After praying about it and weighing our options, foster-to-adopt was right for us. We went through the training and just needed finger prints and would be licensed for placements!!

As you probably know, the fingerprinting process has taken a year and a half. I just don't have good prints and they keep on failing. Not only that, but I found out last month that the FBI is so backed up on reading prints that they are taking 4 months to read each set, so instead of waiting 6-8 weeks in-between failures, I now had to wait 4 months. Even I felt hopeless.

I went to Bible study and didn't feel like sharing, but there's always a time at the end when you get to. I'd keep it short and simple so as to not cry. Same plan as every week. I just shared that I was tired of waiting on this set of prints and that I'm tired of having an empty crib in my house when I know there are babies out there who need me and I just don't understand what's going on!! Immediately my eyes fix on the women on my left. One who could never have children, and another who never had birth children and finally adopted. Both are in their late 40's I'd guess. I looked at them and said, "You know what this is like!" and the tears spilled.

My dear Greta, who did adopt, had tears in her eyes. This is what she said. "You know Darbi, only God knows our future. My husband and I tried for 10 years to have a baby and just couldn't. I too had an empty crib and didn't know why. But finally I realized God knew what He was doing." (People had told me 'God knew what He was doing' all the time but I was beginning to think it was more of a token answer to get me to shut-up than it was their genuine belief.) "I started thinking things like, 'maybe next year I'm going to come down with cancer or my husband will loose his job and we will be unable to care for a baby. These are things He knows that I don't. But then I started a new prayer. Did I want a baby or did I want what God wanted? I prayed, 'God, I want you more than I want a baby. Let your will be done.' (Now the whole room is crying). Three days later, I got a phone call about my daughter."

WOW. That was amazing. As I went home I thought long and hard about that. Of course we want God's plan...we are fostering kid's FOR GOD and for the community. How can it not be God's plan? But have I actually said that to Him? Surrendered it to Him? I kind of assumed He knew I wanted what He wanted because...well He just should. But it's kind of how a wife assumes her husband knows he loves her but never tells him...then it's too late...

Two Wednesdays ago I started praying specifically to God. "I want YOU more than I want this baby. Whatever you have planned for us is going to be great and good and I trust you. But if it is to have this baby, please let these fingerprints go through so I can help her...or him."

Today I got a phone call that my fingerprints went through. They were not scheduled to go through until later in the month and a preliminary report in the computer said they had failed. But friends, they passed, and we're getting a baby for our crib. And now I can say with 100% confidence that is the ministry God wants us to be doing and I am so excited that there isn't an exclamation point big enough to end this sentence with!

God is so mysterious, confusing and sometimes hard to follow, but at the same time He is loving, mighty, wonderful and ever present. I praise Him for all of it.

Dear FBI,

With all due respect, I want to understand just what goes on in your department when it comes to the clearance of ones fingerprints.

I am just a woman waiting for your go-ahead. Once I get your approval I will be able to have children in my home that may not otherwise know love, trust, comfort, warmth, stability, safety and other basic needs that all children deserve to know. Do you know this?

Do you know that there are children hurting all over the world, the country, the state, your city who need people like us to rescue them and it all has to go through you?

Do you know that my home has been ready and willing with a mom and a dad and two big brothers who flip over babies for over a year and a half?

Do you know that a nursery has been all set up complete with over 20 pairs of baby shoes, blankets, bibs and burp rags collecting dust just waiting for your response?

Do you know I have never even had a speeding ticket? I have lied a few times to spare feelings but I've worked all of that out with God and I also stole Megan Lemke's Valentine's necklace in the 3rd grade (also dealt with God on that) but other than that my record is completely clean. Now, I have no documentation to prove this, but the whole idea to get foster children in the first place was Gods, and He certainly knows more than you about my history, again, with all due respect, so perhaps if you could just communicate with Him directly we could get things moving much quicker?

I know what you do is very complicated. I know you have a lot going on in your FBI life. Fingerprint clearance may or may not be on the top of your list. But please just know that it is most important for me and the other families who are waiting for children, but more importantly for the children who are waiting for us. Imagine being a child in a desperate, hopeless situation and then try to tell yourself "one more day won't make much of a difference". I can only imagine that each day must feel like an eternity to them.

Do you hear my heart?

Do you know how bad I want to help?

Do you know you are the only one who is standing in my way?

Please, oh please eat your lunch at your desk until there are no more fingerprints to be approved.

And if the system isn't running right, CHANGE IT. This is not clearance to get a job, this is not clearance to go on vacation, this is clearance to save a life. A life without a voice. Save the life. Be the voice.

I can still wait, and I will wait until my prints are finally good enough for you. But I just wanted to make sure you knew the story behind the tiny black lines pressed on the white paper...to push you a little harder at the clearing of the prints job...to encourage you to use your power wisely and swiftly because with that power comes a responsibility to do the right thing. For the kids.

I'm ready to do my job...to rock, to calm, to cuddle, to sing, to laugh, to hold, to teach, to love. All I ask is that you do yours...

Sincerely, Future Foster Parent Darbi

The Tale of the Chubby Homecoming Queen, Her Strapless Gown, and a Dance with her Very First Prince...

Well, it's been so long since I've blogged, I knew I had to make it good. (No pressure, right Rach?)

It would be an event of the year. My cousin-brother's wedding was coming mid-September and I would be a bridesmaid. One of eleven. The color? Mango-Tango. The dresses? Strapless. Chubby girls don't do strapless. The solution? I had over 6 months to loose weight! Very manageable. When did it become unmanageable? The week before the wedding when I was still the same size as I started. Darn it. Time to buy those fancy underwear and suck it in. I've heard if I constantly place my right foot forward people won't notice my size. I'll try anything.

Wedding week was here before we knew it and I was so excited. I got to get a new sister and Matt's choice was more than perfect for me. If I could just go to the New Sister store at the mall and order one I would pick her out exactly...her humor, her laugh, her listening skills, her sensitivity, her fashion sense, the drink she orders at Starbucks, and especially the way she loves my Matt. In the next few days we would get pedicures, practice our walking and lining up, have toasts, celebrate love, visit family and friends AND (enter scary music: dun-dun-dun!) be re-united with my first loves. (No, that's not a typo. There were two of them.)

Yeah, I was excited to see them, they were Ryan and Streiter. Who wouldn't want to see them? But here's the deal...life has been a little rough on me. Between my 4 babies, three pregnancies, lack of motivation to exercise regularly and love for mochas, I've put on the weight of a good sized 3rd grader since high school. I literally hadn't set eyes on those boys since graduation 14 years ago, when I was the size 3 homecoming queen. Would they even recognize me? Or would they say "That's a nice decorative mango-tango punch table. But where's Darbi?" A very secure 32 year old woman suddenly found herself back at the 7th grade formal, afraid nobody was going to ask her to dance.

It was rehearsal dinner time, which meant I would face Ryan. I made my best fruit salad that said, "you shouldn't have let me go in the 3rd grade, you bastard!". You know, the one with the grapes. Anyway, I saw him out of the corner of my eye. "Breathe Darbi." He got kind of snobby toward the end of high school. Would he even want to talk to me? Do I shake his hand? What do I do? "Darbi Fankhauser?" And his arm touches my shoulder. I grab him and I hug him. He rocks me side to side like when you're hugging your sister who came back from college. I look at him. His eyes are exactly the same. His beard...is longer than a loaf of french bread from Albertsons?! It's okay because I am fat. His girlfriend is wonderful. His life is wonderful. I tell him about mine. Years have gone by but to me he will always be Ryan. The boy I got in trouble for punching in the stomach AND the boy who chased me and kissed me on the playground. It's not a feeling of love or what might have been, but maybe it's just a true blessing that I get the chance to see him again and have our families meet...talk about the old days as adults but still feeling like kids. Not everyone gets to have these moments. I want to put it in a bottle and place it on a shelf...

Wedding day comes and this time it will be Streiter. He's the boy I picked out in Kindergarten. And if there's one thing about me and boys, I usually get what I want. ( I picked Mikey out during the first week of college orientation. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. Did I let those two tiny details slow us down? No! Now 14 years later he'll always be my favorite boy!) So, the wedding itself was flawless. I got to walk down the aisle with one of my high school best friends, Pat and we had the best time. My Aunt mom sang and everybody cried. It was the most beautiful location for a wedding, very fitting for such a wonderful couple. The kiss...and onto the reception. But no Streiter. I saw who I thought were his wife and daughter but not him. Bummer. Maybe I'll see him when Matt and Tara have a baby...I feel an arm around my shoulder. It's someone I don't know. I look down and see the mans shoes. Converse. On a person I knew that'd be totally rad but on a stranger who's touching me, TOTALLY creepy. I look up again and see the eyes and the freckles and they're EXACTLY the same as they were in Kindergarten when I picked him out to be my birthday buddy...It was Streiter. I freaked out. I couldn't believe I didn't recognize him.

We walked over to his table where I chatted with his family, his beautiful wife and his amazing daughter. I am in love with his wife and since I can't be everywhere at once, I'm glad he found her. She's his perfect match. It was so fun to joke about the pain we'd gone through. "Sharing was hard. If we could have got that down maybe we would have had a chance." "Maybe we should share some pearls of wisdom for Matt and Tara that we learned along the way through our Kindergarten break up. We don't want to see them go through the same mistakes." Funny stuff.

After the cake was cut, the bouquet was tossed, and Mike was long gone with the kids (bed time!), the dance floor was still hopping. Streiter was still out there with me and let's just say look out next years "So You Think You Can Dance". We have a robot number that will not leave a dry eye in the house. Eventually the DJ called "last dance" and since our spouses took our kids and left us it only made sense for us to end the evening together. I don't remember the name of the song and I don't remember what all we talked about but I do remember this, "Are you happy Streiter VanQuaethem?" He said, "Yes, I am. Are you happy Darbi Fankhauser?" I said, "Yes, I am!" And then it ended in some sort of a dip. I told you we have moves. That was a very storybook moment for me. I'm going to hang on to that one too.

Most girls sit around and think, "I wonder what ever happened to old so and so" but me? I got to find out. And there they were; My two first crushes and they are healthy and happy and they got to see that I am healthy and happy and we're all grown up and they didn't care that I had back fat hanging over my strapless gown. To them I was still their Darbi. That's who I am and that's who I'll always be.

The craziest part? I still feel like a kid. But I am not. I am a grown woman. A woman with kids. One of those kids is in the first grade. And when I pick him up from school he says things like, "I told Megan if she runs in the field with me at recess I will still be her boyfriend." I totally relate because that's the logic we had at 6 (and sometimes at 32) when love was conditional and parents were so old! I don't know if I'm ever going to feel old or like a grown up, and I don't want to, but I do know this: When Blake is in his 30's I'm going to ask him "What ever happened to little ol' Megan?"

Family Favorites

We just spent 4 days camping together. There was a lot of fun had, a lot of marshmallows swallowed, a lot of dirt plastered to our bodies and a lot of stories produced.

We were not allowed to swim in the nice, cool lake because of the posted warnings of swimmers itch, but the boys loved throwing rocks and watching the ducks (who somehow produced the swimmers itch).

One evening we took a walk along the lake side and found a quiet little bench to sit on tucked away in the woods. Mike and I sat down and looked out over the lake while the boys threw sticks, pine cones and anything they could find into the water.

ME: What do you like best about our family? Blake, you go first.

BLAKE: When we go camping.

TYLER: Ethan, Connor, Makenna, Casey...

ME: No, I mean....

BLAKE: What's a trait?

MIKE (While laughing): You know, a trait.
TYLER: The beach.

ME: Okay. (Giving up. They're 3 & 5 for Pete's sake.)

BLAKE: Oh, I know. You mean like how I love you and how you love me?
ME: Yep! Perfect Blake. That's the one.

Both boys look up from the lake's edge with their priceless smiles that God helped us create and I hold my husband tight and am amazed at the good things in life.

ME: Ty, do you want to try a different answer?

TYLER: Nope. (He's sticking with 'The beach'.)

Blessed be Your name

"Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be, blessed be Your name..."


Walking hand in hand down town with a man I am still madly in love with, having a romantic dinner together, laughing until we cry, sharing dessert from the middle of the table like people who are in love do, walking along the lake, being cold and having his arms around me, then going to pick up two boys with sticky faces from being spoiled at Grandma's house. The boys hug me and kiss me. Their grandma hugs me and kisses me. My dad puts his arm around me and I feel safe, secure and loved. Lord, blessed be Your name.





"Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name..."

My friend Wayne just suffered a terrible fall from the roof of a church and is in a coma. He has a 5 year old and 6 year old. He will never walk again. When he wakes up, we do not know who he will be, what he will remember, what is in store for his life. His wife balances a life at his bedside while also driving an hour away to see her children and tell them what she can about their daddy's condition. What will normal be for them...and when? Still Lord, blessed be Your name.



"Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful, where the streams of abundance flow. Blessed be your name."

I believe I'm doing just as I am supposed to be doing. When my heart hurts, I turn it to praise and serve a God who has never failed me. As I prepare for this garage sale that raises money for the foster care organization we're working with, sure there are tender spots. I want to be a foster parent already. I want to be working with those babies who are hurting. But I must wait on the system. And as I wait, my garage is filling up by the truck load, friends are calling to help, and my heart is swollen with love by people who care about the hiccup in our next adventure. They're there in the ups and downs, willing to join in on what God is doing in my heart. Some people only find 1 or 2 good friends in a lifetime, and I have more than I can count using a calculator!! Lord, blessed be YOUR name.



"Blessed be your name on a road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. Blessed be your name."

Lord, I praise you because I am currently not in a position of suffering, yet I am aware that it is all around me. It is only in a relationship with you, in our most desperate of hours, that we both praise you for all you have done for us and will continue to do, and are also humbled at your feet because you are the only one who can save us from our circumstance. It is such a complex dependence I have come to have on you, with the bottom line being: You will never leave me, nor I you. Be with Wayne's wife and family as they are in the desert place. They will praise you for whatever comes of this, but they need you to hold them through it. Give them flowers in the valley that they can hold onto during this long, long walk. Hold them closer than you've ever held them before. And give them the indescribable peace, that can only come from a loving God, that you've extended to me so many times before. I am comforted by knowing they have you now. Lord, blessed be your name.

You give and take away,
You give and take away,
My heart will choose to say,
"Lord blessed be your name!"

My kids are funnier than your kids...

So, while always trying to be the best mom on the planet and making the wisest choices for my nearly 4 and 6 year old, I allowed them to watch part of Michael Jackson's memorial service on TV with me. They had all kinds of questions. I answered them perfectly, of course, because I am a perfect mom with all of the perfect answers. I didn't realize how much I really liked the good parts of Michael until after he passed. Throughout the week I had sat with the boys and we you tubed some of the old Jackson 5 videos. He really was cute before the world got the best of him...
One morning last week this discussion was heard in my home:
Blake: "Mom, I was watching Tom and Jerry at Grandmas" (let me pause here and talk about Tom and Jerry. In this short cartoon upon which I was raised, this cute little mouse and angry cat proceed to kill each other about 30 times per episode and there is no memorial. Not a one. They just get right back up and are ready to kill each other again, always with a smile. Why was this an appropriate thing for us to watch as children? I need to talk to grandma. Now back to the story.) "Jerry put Tom in a box and THEN he put the LID on it! (His eyes are huge. He can't wait to tell me the rest. Tyler is staring at Blake. Silent, puzzled.) And THEN Jerry takes a saw and cuts the box in HALF!"
Oh dear. How am I going to fix this one? This is not okay that he's watching this, and this is especially not okay that he's repeating it in story form to whoever wants to listen. I'm going to be the mom who gets the phone calls from other moms saying, "My son can't play with your son because he talks about such devilish things." But just as I start to come up with a plan, a word from Tyler: (I added his lisp for effect.)
"Blake...wath that bockth the thame bockth that Michael Jackthon wath put in?"
Blake lowers his head and looks up at his brother with one eyebrow raised. "No Ty. Tom was in a birthday box. Michael Jackson's box was a TOTALLY different kind of box."
That was a good enough answer for Ty, as he continued to play with his cars. What did I do? I left the room and laughed my head off because sometimes, that's all you can do. I will face the issue about what kind of "Bokth" Michael Jackson was put in later.