If you could see what I see...

I'm at the end of my rope.
I don't have any more to give to him.
I'm angry and don't care one minute, and then crying my eyes out the next.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to find out if the pain in my chest is an ulcer. I need to send him the bill.
It's a journey unlike the ones we've been through before. Death...we're pros. We know all the stages, which order, who to call when, etc.
But an addiction that won't go away is seemingly worse. And with each step, different feelings that hurt, different emotions that I don't know where to place.
My brother is older than me. He's supposed to have his life together and be telling ME what to do, how to live, how to deal with the pressures of life that he's already experienced. Instead I am the "big sister" and not in any of the fun ways.
In this role, I've seen the monseter his addiction has made him become, his choices he continues to make, and the fall out from it all.
But as his little sister, I see the hero, the comedian, the best friend, the musician, the role model...all of the things that I thought he was and can still become if only he would grasp the hand of God and choose the plan He has for his life.
Once again I am faced with the realization that I am SO glad I am not God. How many times has He seen a life that would be better for us...if only we would reach out for His hand? And knowing how many He is in charge of, I can't imagine how many ulcers He has...and then simultaneously heals.
I can't be angry with a God who is also watching my brother and waiting...patiently...for him to give up on a life of misery and surrender, but I just can't bear the roller coaster anymore.
So God, I pray once again, for your peace, which passes all understanding, and that you would please let my brother see....what I see.....what YOU see.....the beauty deep within himself that is waiting to come out. Help him to want Your plan for his life.
His plan is too much for any of us to bear.