My kids are funnier than your kids...

So, while always trying to be the best mom on the planet and making the wisest choices for my nearly 4 and 6 year old, I allowed them to watch part of Michael Jackson's memorial service on TV with me. They had all kinds of questions. I answered them perfectly, of course, because I am a perfect mom with all of the perfect answers. I didn't realize how much I really liked the good parts of Michael until after he passed. Throughout the week I had sat with the boys and we you tubed some of the old Jackson 5 videos. He really was cute before the world got the best of him...
One morning last week this discussion was heard in my home:
Blake: "Mom, I was watching Tom and Jerry at Grandmas" (let me pause here and talk about Tom and Jerry. In this short cartoon upon which I was raised, this cute little mouse and angry cat proceed to kill each other about 30 times per episode and there is no memorial. Not a one. They just get right back up and are ready to kill each other again, always with a smile. Why was this an appropriate thing for us to watch as children? I need to talk to grandma. Now back to the story.) "Jerry put Tom in a box and THEN he put the LID on it! (His eyes are huge. He can't wait to tell me the rest. Tyler is staring at Blake. Silent, puzzled.) And THEN Jerry takes a saw and cuts the box in HALF!"
Oh dear. How am I going to fix this one? This is not okay that he's watching this, and this is especially not okay that he's repeating it in story form to whoever wants to listen. I'm going to be the mom who gets the phone calls from other moms saying, "My son can't play with your son because he talks about such devilish things." But just as I start to come up with a plan, a word from Tyler: (I added his lisp for effect.)
"Blake...wath that bockth the thame bockth that Michael Jackthon wath put in?"
Blake lowers his head and looks up at his brother with one eyebrow raised. "No Ty. Tom was in a birthday box. Michael Jackson's box was a TOTALLY different kind of box."
That was a good enough answer for Ty, as he continued to play with his cars. What did I do? I left the room and laughed my head off because sometimes, that's all you can do. I will face the issue about what kind of "Bokth" Michael Jackson was put in later.

Keep walking...

Today we went on a walk to the "giant park" after dinner. We don't get the chance to go there very often because the sun usually comes out in 15 minute increments around here, so we usually go to the smaller park down the road and try to beat the rain home. But today the sun was out for a whole day. So we headed out.

Tyler, 3, loves the park. He loves to play soccer at the park. He loves being with his brother, mom and dad at the park. What he doesn't love? The longer walk there. His feet hurt, his leg hurts. His legs are itchy so he can't walk any more. Every step is a battle. "Daddy, can you carry me yet?" followed by whining and crying are what we hear until we reach about half-way, when we feel like he's gone a pretty great distance for those cute little legs to go. His reward? Riding on his dad's shoulders the rest of the way...until we reach the giant park.

Roller coaster has really become a theme in my life, the only thing about it is that the roller coasters at Six Flags I CHOOSE to go on time and time again, all day long. This roller coaster called life is not nearly as fun, and could I choose it, it would just be a cliff. More and more fun as I learn and grow and experience things and then POOF! I fall off the cliff and die some time in my 90's at the exact same time as Mike, with no pain, and in our sleep. I don't see why that plan seems so hard. But apparently it is not the road chosen for me. Again this week: A high and a low.

A few days after I wrote my last post about my fingerprints failing and the little hope that went with that, I got a message on my phone from the agency. It was like the whole world stopped but this time in a good way. The woman said, "When we talked to you last time, we hadn't reviewed all of our e-mails and we just wanted to let you know I have an e-mail right here that says Mike and Darbi Johnson are both CLEARED for their fingerprints!" She went on about what the next step would be but I jumped up and down and cried. I always try to quickly diagnose a blessing, so my first thought was that God had rewarded us for not giving up on Him and these miracles I've always heard about had just happened to me!!!

Saturday night I was the speaker at my brother's church. I gave my testimony about the amazing peace God gave us through our loss of baby Hope through now when I didn't think my fingerprints would ever pass, and then through a miracle they did! It was so fun to share what God did for me.

And then came Monday. I checked my e-mail. Erased the adds for the inappropriate creams on sale, erased the weight loss ones (and by the way, how does my e-mail even know that I'm chubby?) got rid of a couple of forwards, and one was left. From the agency. Re: Fingerprints. Oh, dear. It was a rejection letter dated that day. I made a phone call to the agency during which I find out they "made a mistake". They, "misread the e-mail". And once again my hope bubble is popped.

But what about my miracle? This is my God story. I thought he did this for me! He can't take back a miracle once he gives it out. That's the rules!! My stomach and my heart hurt. The man on the phone says, "Don't worry, you are not the only ones in this situation. I just talked to a couple who've been trying for over a year to get their prints done." Yeah, dude. Helpful. Thanks for bringing them up again. My mom died a long time ago. Wanna start talking about that too?

SOOOOOO....Here's how I feel right now...tired. Defeated. Sad. My legs hurt. My feet hurt. Every step is a battle. I want God to come and carry me but it seems like He's far away. Like maybe he got a new Wii and is playing Mario Kart with Noah. But at the same time I feel like He's got an eye on me and is encouraging me to keep going because He knows I can do it. And if I can just make it half way, He'll pick me up and let me rest on His shoulders for the rest of the way. And maybe that rest won't come until Heaven, but I just need to be okay with that.

It's all for the kids who are in way worse situations than I am, who are hurting worse than I even know about, for a chance for them to know about a God who loves them more than I do; A God who will one day carry them to the biggest "park" they could ever dream about.

Operation Choose Hope (again!!!)

So friends, I'm a little down. Okay, a lot down, but hopefully it won't last long. I got some more news about the fingerprints and the adoption...

There was one point where I thought we were about 6 weeks away from getting our baby, but then I got the notice that my finger prints failed. A month later I was able to try again and again they failed. They show up perfectly on the screen, but for whatever reason, the computer makes them not to FBI standards which they need to be in order to even foster a baby.

When I talked to my agency yesterday I was told that going elsewhere for fingerprints might get me okayed in Washington, but if I'm not passing for the FBI, I probably won't no matter where I go, or how many times I go. He DID say the state is THINKING about a program for people who fail their fingerprints 3 times in 90 days, but he said that's just in the thinking stages and you know how slow our state runs. And this is not just a problem with me. There are other families going through the same thing.

Every morning I wake up to an empty bassinet right by my bed. It's all ready to go with a diaper changing station and everything. Monitor is plugged in. If they called us this second, we would be ready today (we had to do this to get ready for the home study 3 weeks ago). But now when I look at it I am sad. Slowly loosing hope. How could I be following God's plan and have such a giant speed bump?

Unfortunately this is not the first time I've felt this way either. After Mike and I lost baby Hope we had to wait at least 6 months to get pregnant. I had her bassinet set up in our bedroom too. But I didn't want to take it down either. I kept it up to remind myself that one day it would be filled with Hope's brother or sister and that day we put our new baby in that crib would be AMAZING. Well, it worked some days. Most days it was just a reminder that it was empty and that somebody was supposed to be in there and she wasn't.

I had some time between the day baby Hope was born and the date she was due to be born (about 8 weeks) and God gave me an idea to start a fundraiser for a local charity and for gift bags for the babies and parents of the first 10 babies born on the day Hope was due. Instead of sitting at home staring at an empty cradle I was out shopping for the best baby bargains I could find, getting packages from people I had never met, and turning my mourning into dancing. I felt I was doing just what God would have wanted me to do. And Operation Choose Hope continued for 6 years. Each year getting bigger, and each year FULL of blessings and hope.

So yesterday was a dumpy day. I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry all day, or even try getting pregnant. That might be faster at this point. But does that take care of any of the 800 kids in Pierce county alone that need homes? No. That would be giving up on God. So what then do I do? As one of my new favorite songs says, "I will serve You while I'm waiting". I will not waste this time by fussing and tantruming (very much at least). I will not let the world win and throw up my hands and say, "At least I gave it a go! This was just too hard. Oh, well." and give up. I will serve God while I'm waiting. It can't be NEARLY as hard as it is for my little girl to be waiting for me.

Operation Choose Hope is BACK IN ACTION!!!

Please clean out your house, closet, toy box, anything you have to donate.

There will be a garage sale in July raising money for foster care/ adoption.

If you don't have things, checks are welcome too~

e-mail me and I'll give you my address.

The ups and downs of Mothers Day

Mothers Day will always be bittersweet for me. But as each year passes I pray the sweet will outgrow the bitter, as my heart continues to remember my children and my mother who are no longer with me, and as my heart is continually filled by the blessings of my children who are with me and their sweet gestures of love.

Here are some of the bitters and the sweets of this year:



Sweet- Blake came out of his classroom at school with a giant grin. "Mom, I MADE you a surprise! You can't open it until mothers day! Or you can open it in the car!" He gets that from me. I can't ever wait to give someone a surprise. Inside his backpack: a hand made card that read, "Mom, I love you because:____________" and he wrote on the blank, "you love me for evr"(phonetically). He drew me and him jumping on a trampoline, and I was wearing a pearl necklace. It's a keeper for sure. And just so you know I don't wear pearls and we've never jumped on a trampoline together. Even sweeter.



Bitter- It was mothers day right before my mom died. She had a blood disease and couldn't catch a single germ or it could be really bad. For mothers day she couldn't be around people. I lived in Portland and dad said it was best to stay there since she couldn't have visitors anyway. My bro and sis in law lived in Seattle so they drove to the house but visited through the sliding glass window. We had all bought her a bird feeder. They put it in her yard and then called me on the phone so I could talk to her while they opened the window and let her see it. She cried her head off and loved it so much. I would have driven 300,000 miles to stand outside her sliding glass window...if I had only known.



Sweet- Mike took me to Target to pick out any gift I wanted. He took the boys so I could slowly shop down every aisle and take my time, in peace and quiet. Little did I know the boys were shopping for me as well. After I bought what I wanted (a giant, rain-fall shower head) I saw the boys ringing up a surprise. When we all got in the van I opened my gift from Tyler. It was Hanna Montana bubble gum! I said, "Thank you Tyler!!" He looked at it and said, "Can I hold it?" He was holding true to his three year old model that it is truly better to receive than to give. =-)

Bitter- After my dad made my family mother's day tacos, my aunts wanted to take flowers over to the cemetery to mom and grandma's graves. And my babies are buried with my mom. The whole day I was already walking around like an emotional ticking time bomb...going to the cemetery was not going to help this. So instead I stayed home and watched a cable show about families in other countries that get to watch multiple children die due to having no running water available to them. And this is every day life to them. What are we going to do about this? I tabled the question for a day that was not mothers day. Again...did not help with the time bomb thing.

Sweet- After church I had to stay late and clean up the espresso bar I help run. Blake came running up to me with a wooden butterfly he had painted for me in class. He said again, "Happy mothers day mom! I made you this! Oh, and this!" He reached in his bag and gave me a half a bag of crumpled up goldfish crackers. He said, "I saved you half of my snack for when you're done doing coffee because I know that makes you awfully tired." Then he puckered his lips for a kiss. Yeah. For real.

Bitter- My heart is ready for my next baby but my stinking fingerprints won't pass and this is something I cannot control. I trust God's plan in all of this, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I need patience. I need peace. I need to enjoy this time as a family of four while life isn't very crazy because it will only get more out of hand with the foster care system entering it.

Thank you God for the bitter and the sweet, each adding it's own flavor to my very complete life. I learn from each side. I am struggling right now as to what I am to do as I wait on you, but I trust you know just what you are doing and I am thankful, SOOOO thankful, for the mommy you created me to be. The mommy of Hope Michael and her dark, curly hair and unforgettable, perfect, Mary Kay lips. The mommy of Carter Lewis who brought me SO much joy of shopping for twins and who kicked me for the first time, right under my heart the night before his surgery, letting me know everything would be okay. The mommy to Blake Richard whose face alone brightens up a room and who makes me laugh so hard with his sense of humor and whose tender heart makes him the best big brother. The mommy to Tyler Carter who is quiet like daddy but when he talks he means what he says and is so fun to be with. His kisses make me feel like a million bucks. And finally the daughter to Dianne Yvonne Fankhauser, the greatest mother ever made, who taught me that people were more important than things, listening was more important than dishes, and giving was more important than getting. I am BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE for all of these gifts you have given to me...really makes my shower head look stupid. (sorry honey!)

He gets it...

Today I'm writing my story for my friend who is going to school to become a Doula. I told her I would possibly like to do the same some day, mainly to be there for mothers who have still-born babies. There is just so much I want to make sure these mothers know about this experience and almost nobody gets to plan for it. Since I can't be there for everyone I want to make sure people who are there know what I want them to know, in hopes that it can help make someones journey a little easier. For example, everything Hope ever touched, her blanket, her outfit, was buried with her. If I had thought that through I really would have liked to have held on to one of those items. But it was so chaotic and over so fast... an outsider who is thinking of details would really be helpful.
So, anyway, I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop writing section two of the story. Blake comes up to the computer and starts hitting buttons, thinking it's funny, while mentally I was writing about calling my best friend and telling her Hope had died (Not a good time to joke with mommy). I took his hand off the computer and said, "Honey, can you do me a favor? Can you go upstairs and watch a show while mommy writes for a bit and then I'll come up and play with you?"
He said, "But I want to write with you."
"Well, I'm writing about something that is sad and I kind of need to be alone for a little bit. Just take Ty upstairs for one show and I'll be up."
"What are you writing about?" he asks.
"I'm writing to my friend who wants to know about baby Hope."
He sat quiet for a bit. "Why did she die if she's just a baby?"
"Do you mean because usually it's old people who die?"
"Yeah." He and Tyler were both just staring at me.
"Well, we may never know. You know when we go to the doctor and they check you with the stethoscope and poke your belly and your back and your ears and your toes to make sure your whole body is okay?" They both nodded yes. "Well, after your sister was born they did that same thing and they did not find ONE thing wrong with her! She was a perfect little baby. But you know what?"
"What?" they both said.
"When things that are sad or scary happen to us and Jesus helps us get through them, if we tell our friends that Jesus helped us and that we're okay now, it can sometimes help other people."
I thought, surely I'd lost them. Why was I trying to explain something so complicated to a 5 year old and a 3 year old? Because I'm a stay-at-home mom and this is probably the closest thing I'll get to adult conversation today. That's why. Then I saw a little light-bulb go off. It was Blake.
"You mean like how I used to be really scared to go through the car wash? And now I'm not anymore? So I tell Tyler he'll be okay and if he sits on Daddy's lap he does okay?"
"Just like that."
They got off the couch. Blake went up stairs and Ty followed him with his airplane arms sticking out. They watched their show and let me write.
And he gets it. In his own precious five year old way, he gets it.

Dancing with Hope

Sundays are one of my favorite days. One of the reasons is because at church I get to see all of my friends babies, kiss them, cuddle them, see the many new tricks they've learned to do, and then when they start to get crabby or are poopie, I get to give them back to their mommy. It's like practicing being a grandparent once a week. It's great.
Don't get me wrong, I love my own boys to death, but I also am madly in love with my friends kids too. Especially the girls in their little tights and dresses, ponytails and baby dolls. It's just a world I haven't been able to live in since my own childhood and I can't get enough of it. It's a little bit of an obsession, one might say. Okay a LOT of an obsession. But I just can't help myself.
Today Mike was working so I entered the sanctuary alone. I could choose anywhere to sit, so naturally I wanted to sit by a baby in case the mom needed "help". I saw my favorite one up front but church had already started and I didn't want to cause a scene. I saw another in the front, same problem. Then I saw the baby I haven't yet met and my tummy turned upside down. I knew I couldn't sit with her yet. It just wasn't time. So I bypassed her and sat with my parents. She was sitting right behind me. She's almost 7 weeks. Beautiful. Perfect. Her name? Hope.
During the service I kept thinking about this baby. Am I mad that the parents chose the same name for their baby as I had for mine? Of course not! It's a beautiful name! Am I going to continue to avoid baby Hope and pretend she doesn't exist as she grows up at my church and plays with my kids? Not an option either. I knew what needed to be done, but I knew it would be hard, and who wants to do what's hard?
After the final song I turned to Hope's parents and said, "Can I hold her?" They said, "Of course!" Then I said, "And can I walk with her and cry a little bit?" and they said, "Sure!"
Her mommy placed her in my arms. She stared right at me as I cried and danced with her in the sanctuary. I said, "Hi Hopey. I love you and I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm going to be your crazy Aunt Darbi who wants kisses and cuddles all the time while you grow up. You will always be my special girl okay? And I'll always watch out for you okay? And you have a special buddy in Heaven with your same name who's looking out for you too." She grinned and we talked and snuggled and it was just awesome.
It hurts to face things that are hard. But I had to do it in order to be at my church and feel at peace. I feel so much better and now my heart is able to fully love another baby who just happened to be the first baby I've met with my daughter's name since she died. And now that I've faced that, the next baby Hope I meet won't be so bad.
In fact it made me a little more excited for the day I get to dance with my Hope...

A slow pace to end the race...

The paperwork is so slow. They submitted it in February and still haven't cleared us for our background checks. The reason? My fingerprints FAILED. Didn't think it was possible, but yes, turns out it is. In fact the sweet man who came to do our home visit said he has clients who have been working for over a year to have their fingerprints pass through the FBI. PRAY we do not become one of those clients. This would fall into the category of "fun" along with getting all of my toenails pulled out without any drugs. No, I haven't had that done, it's just where my mind went right then. Yes, I'm going a little bit crazy. May 7th is the day I get the prints re-done.
The home visit was good. The man who came was gentle and sweet. I expected hard-nosed and anal. The kind of rule enforcer who loves to enforce...just because. All of us know a "that guy". But he wasn't. He wants us to succeed in this ministry and we could tell. The list of things to get done was far more intimidating than he was. This is the difference between working with our private agency and working with the state. We're not just case #435.6, we're the Johnson family. After he went over the few things we need to change, he kindly said, "Can I pray with you?" and he did. On our couch. And it was wonderful. The guy who tests our water temperature cares about our future family member and our well being and our boys' well being and I felt God's peace.
He said, "Now we do have a lot of waiting to do on the state and that is not in our control, but just remember it is in God's timing...and you'll have a baby this summer." (giggle, giggle)
As I wait out these next couple of months, I will feel at times they are going so slow. But I think of my Autumn who waited so long and finally has her miracle baby and know I can do it. I think of my Hutchisons and how long they tried and tried to make a family and couldn't. Now they have three toddlers and don't even have time to sit down. I can do it. Until my baby is with me, I'll keep carrying my cat around in my moby wrap so I can get those knots down. Better I drop her, as she can land on her feet right? (Don't judge me.) Thanks, as always for your support!